Dear MC,
Nervous to talk to you about the stuff I want to talk about tomorrow. Partly because I feel sort of...I don't know, whiny/needy, being like "But you didn't think about me/other clients with the move--and handshake--thing and the effect it might have. Or the effect it's having on T. I'd just appreciate some acknowledgment that you know it's probably been difficult, you were sorry you had to do it, and thanks for bearing with you. I feel taken for granted sometimes, like, yeah, I adore you, but that doesn't mean you can just assume I'm OK with everything. Like, apologizing when you're more than 5-10 minutes late--you never even bother to do that anymore. Just a 'sorry about that' when you come retrieve us would go a really long way."

I can't decide whether to mention the other thing or not. Or whether to say what T said regarding part of your reason for the move, which is why I felt like I couldn't say anything about it. I mean, it feels like it's been a long time since your wife passed away, but it's only been, like 4 months--not even quite that, I don't think. So it's probably still somewhat raw for you. At the same time, I know you wouldn't want me to have not said anything about being upset with you because you'd just suffered a loss. I mean, you weren't even going to tell me about it, probably to prevent exactly that kind of thing. But I wonder...since I do know, do you have different expectations of me regarding things around that topic, even just tangentially related?

Because I think why I'm extra jumpy--beyond my usual abandonment fears--around changes like the handshake is from those articles I read about T's dealing with personal loss. How you might change, become less caring or empathic (or potentially more empathic, especially for a client who suffered a loss). Is it OK to mention those fears to you? I know you'd say not to apply things I read to you--but hey, for once, it wasn't something I read on PC, but stuff from actual scientific journals (well, and a blog). But maybe it would help explain some of my hypervigilance?

But then...what if you ask, "So, do you think I have changed?" Because I'm not sure how to answer that. I feel like in some way you have, but I'm not sure I could really fully explain it. Then again, it's hard to say for sure if it's *you* actually changing, or if it's how I perceive you changing. Because I feel like I looked at you a bit differently once I learned your wife was sick, too--but that wouldn't have been a case where you changed, because you'd been dealing with that for a long time already. But I found out about her death like a week after it happened...

Sometimes in the past 4 months you've seemed more compassionate. Sometimes more distant, particularly right afterward, which is to be expected. You've seemed less playful, maybe--like you still joke around some, but not as much as before. Less apologetic. You still light up when you talk about your kids, especially stuff from when they were younger. And I also don't know if some changes are because of the new office, like you sit in your office chair now instead of the couch, so you're actually sitting a bit closer to me. Which is maybe why I have more trouble looking at you sometimes. I can't see when you're approaching the waiting room, so it's harder for me to be prepared. And the session length thing.

I don't know how much of this to say to you and how much not. Maybe I should just start with the first part, and see where it goes from there? See what I feel comfortable saying and what direction you take it in? I don't want it to just be "I'm mad because you changed stuff and didn't apologize." I want you to know the fears behind it, too...but I also don't know if it's OK for me to talk about those fears. OK, I'm sure you'll say it's OK--I just don't want to put you in an awkward place.

Well, I guess I have 23 hours to think about it--hope we do get to see you. (Do I mention how I still fear you're going to cancel at the last minute every week, too? Or that we'll have to because D is sick--we missed that by 1 day last week...) And I still kinda want to talk about paternal transference stuff, but I suspect that's all tied up in here with all the other stuff...

Love,
LT