That is exactly how I felt about my former T! I don't have a solution, but if it helps, I can tell you that your story echoes mine, albeit in an extreme fashion. I would talk to my T, but I wasted a lot of time avoiding my real issues and especially annoying her (which I took great pleasure in doing!) rather than working on anything meaningful. I also felt very strongly that I didn't want to give her any satisfaction from working with me because that would, indeed, mean that she somehow "won." I have no insight as to why, and it didn't end well, but my feelings were similar to the ones you describe. I hope you find a resolution or at least a little peace in knowing that you're not alone. Best wishes.