You are absolutely right by stating that I don't know he feels at a loss, thinks badly of me, etc. I tend to think that most people have bad intentions toward me or think badly of me. I'm sure you can imagine the effect that type of thinking has on my relationships.

To be honest, I think I'm just about through with this whole thing. Maybe this is as good as it is going get. Most of the time I think I can bear with things as they are, but there are several brief moments almost daily when I just want to tear myself to pieces. I should take comfort in the fact that probably no one could despise me nearly as much as I despise myself.

No, the things that happened in my childhood were not my fault. I had a psychiatrist tell me once that other people cannot make me feel one way or another by their actions, words, etc. My reaction is solely my responsibility. So if he is right, then no matter how badly I was ever treated, I control whether or not those things affect me negatively. And I have not done well with that. That is my fault.

Sorry - I think I said more here than was necessary. I sincerely thank you for your advise and caring.