I can't get disability and I don't know if I'll be able to work. That alone has me stressed. Then there's the fact that my hallucinations are still very much around, to add to that fact, I didn't even realize how much I hallucinated until I peaked under 'the veil of sanity', so to speak. I got this damn lump on my neck growing ever-so-steadily. My migraines are occurring more often. My body tremors have returned and I don't know how or why; granted my anxiety's been a b****, lately. My SI isn't even SI, at this point because I have a plan in place, just not a time. The only thing keeping me from going through with it is the fact that I could be dying anyway and that's the best news I could get right now. The thing is, it's the worse news my fiance and others could hear. If it's back, I don't know if I can tell them. And it's been brought up by a couple people and one professional (pdoc) that I could have had schizophrenia this whole time. I don't know how I feel about that. I mean, I'm more likely to have MDD w/psychotic features; in my eyes. I'm suppose to start trauma therapy at some point but I can't.... I can't face that ****. Not now. Maybe not ever. I'm just a mess right now. I hate this. Why am I alive? Why should I stick around just to be dished more of life's blows? Why can't I just let go of this thread and fall?

I'm done with my 'poor me' rant. Sorry, in advance to anyone who reads this.