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Originally Posted by Só leigheas
I can't get disability and I don't know if I'll be able to work. That alone has me stressed. Then there's the fact that my hallucinations are still very much around, to add to that fact, I didn't even realize how much I hallucinated until I peaked under 'the veil of sanity', so to speak. I got this damn lump on my neck growing ever-so-steadily. My migraines are occurring more often. My body tremors have returned and I don't know how or why; granted my anxiety's been a b****, lately. My SI isn't even SI, at this point because I have a plan in place, just not a time. The only thing keeping me from going through with it is the fact that I could be dying anyway and that's the best news I could get right now. The thing is, it's the worse news my fiance and others could hear. If it's back, I don't know if I can tell them. And it's been brought up by a couple people and one professional (pdoc) that I could have had schizophrenia this whole time. I don't know how I feel about that. I mean, I'm more likely to have MDD w/psychotic features; in my eyes. I'm suppose to start trauma therapy at some point but I can't.... I can't face that ****. Not now. Maybe not ever. I'm just a mess right now. I hate this. Why am I alive? Why should I stick around just to be dished more of life's blows? Why can't I just let go of this thread and fall?
I'm done with my 'poor me' rant. Sorry, in advance to anyone who reads this.
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Why be sorry?
And just so you know they almost always turn down applicants the first and sometimes second time they apply for disability. Its their way of weeding out who needs it vs who just wants to play the system. Once you get turned down go to a lawyer that only accepts payment if they win the case. That way you have better odds. You will get any backpay owed you from the first time you applied as long as you reapply before the time to do so expires - but try to hire the lawyer before you apply if you can.
I can understand why you wish for death - but just because life is stressful and hard at the moment, doesn't mean it will always be that way. Positive thinking is good, but it's too hard right now - so all I'm asking you to do is consider this possibility...
What if you ended your life and then were given a look into what your future might have been. You saw a lot of days of misery...but you also saw days of pure joy and excitement and fun. Would you regret depriving yourself of those moments that could have been? Don't you think you've earned the reward of any drop of happiness you can have? Why take that from yourself?