I had similar feelings ... because I had allowed my child to be put up for adoption instead of fighting for him. I actually had had a warning delivered to me (you can choose to disbelieve this part if you wish, it's ok) from what I perceived as the voice of God, though it may have been a different heavenly deity, I don't know. The voice told me that I would go through hardship no matter if I kept the child or gave the child away until he was old enough to be on his own, but if I chose to give the child away I would continue to endure hardship for many years after he is grown but that I would be blessed in other ways. I was given a choice. I chose to keep the child but then my dad withdrew all my money and refused to let me stay with him if I kept the child and my boyfriend left me and refused to help me - all when I was 7mo along. So I decided to choose parents for the child. I heard the voice one more time. It told me I would be barren after the birth of my son unless certain tasks were completed (which remained unnamed) by the time I was further into my adulthood. From that time on .. I lived like I told you ..as a stepping stone..but I also had relationships that involved people who had sons the same age my son would have been at that time, so in that way I got to see my son grow up. I felt it was the way God was choosing to teach me. If that were true though - I would not have been able to reverse it.