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Originally Posted by zoiecat
Sorry, for the confusion. I am new to the whole dissociation thing. My T says I am fragmented. I occasionally hear voices and I occasionally feel childlike when dissociating. I am always aware though so I guess you would call this co-conscious. So far I am aware of Mean Voice who I think of as male, he has controlled my thoughts for longer than I can remember but after really pissing me off a little over a week ago has mostly disappeared except for this weekend when I have been consumed by dark thoughts. Glinda is named after the good witch in the Wizard of Oz, she is my Helper Voice. Little Me who is basically me around 10 or 11. She seems to be the one that is out most of the time when I am home alone and doesn't want to do adult self care stuff, then then there is Little Girl. She is around 6 and she took the worst physical abuse.
Maybe I am just in denial, but I can't stop thinking that this is all just in my head and I am making it all up. I am having a really hard time accepting this whole concept. How do you know if you are just crazy and making stuff up or if all of this is real? I plan on talking to my T again this week about it. He knows I am confused as hell. At first he said I was DID, when I said I don't have that he was like OK well there is a spectrum and you are more fragmented. Then when I told him last week that I choose to believe it is all just in my head, LOL, just my thoughts and not actually voices he agreed with that too saying everyone has parts of them that have different personalities per say. I am a bit pissed at him for always just agreeing with whatever I say. I plan on telling him that I wish he would just tell me what he really thinks and not just agree with me because obviously one of these statements if false either it is just my thoughts or not and I have lost trust in him for his comments of agreement. He does not know the full extent of what I listed above. I had mentioned the Little Girl but not really discussed her or my differentiation between the two Littles.
Any ideas?
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Plenty.
You must be DID because you are in denial! :P
This is what I figured to.
I'm somewhat aware too...co-con and able to talk to some of the Others. We discuss, vote, fight, harass, tell jokes,...all the stuff you would do with a group of friends. Sometimes they go blah blah blah and won't go quie to the point it's distracting and annoying.
We are fragmented to the max...so every part is equal in our head which means we really don't have an original...just a bunch of mains to take care of everyday life.
We have Others in here that are in denial, some on the fence, skeptical, or like I that believe beyond a shadow of a doubt (which is why I'm always the one on here).
Who wants to admit that they are nutz? :P
It took us a year to accept it...but there are clues you can see as personal proof. Being aware....the clues are there but went unnoticed (our normal), at least for me it was. We switch seamlessly and stay attentive that we never noticed it. Since our conscience stays aware (the lights never go out)...it stays present that kept us blind...if that makes any sense.
First off, switches are a clue. You say that you switch into a Little Me...case in point. The fact that they are named is another clue, and reality stays intact....no psychosis.
Another thing that we noticed are missing memories which equates to time loss. Being conscoiusly aware....it's hard to notice this because this is our normal ever since being a baby. I mean this isn't new to us....it's always been this way. I began to notice that I can't access memories say like those of the carpenter that work all day...I can't feel his essence....it's a blank spot missing. It makes me sick and gives me headaches trying to go there...I'm met with resistance...so I naturally don't and never did.
As a group...we tackle everyday life, so there is some memory retention...but when the Other is fully immerssed....it's all theirs...they are the captain of this ship.
We have a Minimalist that comes out and gives everything away to charity because she doesn't use it. Ever look for something to never find it as if it disappeared into thin air? She did it. Lol As I look around...all our knick knacks are gone....just a table, couch, chairs, t.v., lamp and fan...that's it. No clutter, no books, no pictures...totally generic looking. :/
Time. We experience time jumps because of missing memories. Hours, days, weeks, and some years. Thought it was Monday to find out that it was actually Thursday? For real. Or when you start something to all of a sudden to find yourself finished....and to find it done differently then you would have done it...
Ever feel like life is passing you by? We just heard Prince the purple one has been dead a year....I swore it's only been a few months so much that we stopped and was confused before we accepted the time loss.
We have a bunch of clothes that I would not wear. One side for guys and the other for girls. Shoes, sandals, work boots, and heels. Even this body is contoured for us as to what we individually desire. We fems get to defurr, clean up our edges, wear clear polish, jewelry...the guys finally got used to the ear rings and bracelets...like they have a choice.
Ever come too and find yourself driving somewhere for something, or in a grocery store with no idea what for? Our iPhone is our memory bank, our connect to living fluidly. Calender, reminders, lists, dates, appointments,...
Do you ever find handwritten notes that you didn't write but are somewhat familiar or in your private journal?
Sometimes we will switch and I can step back and watch an Other be present like I'm watching a movie. Talk about freaky.
These are some of the things that helped us to reach acceptance. Being labeled at first is unbelievable, but when I began noticing the proof in my life...it became blatant.
I hope that you and your Others can too soon enough...then recovery can happen. Good luck!
