Thanks everyone!

My husband will not see a counselor, he doesnt' believe in them. He says that when %#@&#! happens you just put it away, take it out when you need to look at it again, but just put it in the closet. When his mom died, he was an only son, she died alone in the nursing home because he refused to see her that way, and when she passed away he held it all in, broke down once briefly after the funeral. My T has suggested many times over the past year that he come into counseling but my husband won't do it.

He is still having the affair, I still see her number on his cell phone statements, he leaves on weekends sometimes to spend time with her,I feel like I am just on this earth to take care of people that abuse and use me.......

I never thought of going to the lawyer without telling him, and I don't know why. My T suggested Friday that I just go, don't tell my husband, it was like a light bulb went off, I just never thought of doing that. It feels sneaky, but then I realized he is doing this to me, so I shouldn't be feeling at all guilty about it.

My T made a comment on Friday, about how I have made screwed up decisions all my life, it is from the abuse I suffered and he said it isn't my fault, it is how I survived, and it became the only way I knew how to live, he says from a friends point of view, all your decisions were screwed up, from caring for your mom for 15 years, knowing she knew what was happening to me as a child and teenager and not protecting me, yet I protected her all my life, to allowing my brother to still come in and out of my life and abuse me, then he asked me if I wasn't abused as a child and my decision making messed up would I of, then I finished the sentence for him "Married my husband" he was shocked that I said that, but acknowledged that I am aware of some of my bad decisions. I don't know if I would of married him, probably not.....but I can't say for sure. We have been together for 17 years now, and I can't do this anymore.

I can't put my kids through a tug of war though. I feel like I am ruining their lives with all this crap going on.

I am considering stopping the trauma therapy for now, I cannot work on both of these issue's right now. My fear is though that I won't start it back up again. I will bury the feelings once again. I feel like I am on a roller coaster right now, and it won't stop. Would you stop the trauma therapy??? How would you make yourself resume it afterwards??

Last night I stayed home, the first night I stayed in a week, I walk on egg shells the whole time, I stay busy with things until he goes upstairs to his room. I can't stop doing, if I do I will feel all the pain I have inside. I have to stop drinking or taking meds or cutting to stop the pain, because my T says he will use that against me in court to win custody of the kids.....I feel cornered right now, every decision I make feels like a life and death decision.........