I'm so sorry you feel like this. I can hear the pain in your words. I wish I lived near you and we could get a coffee and I'd listen to you talk about your dreams. You have had such a hard life, and you're trying to do the best you can. It gets easier as your get older, f that's any help. It sounds like you need to find somewhere irl where people like you meet in person. I'm twice your age and know very little about things like anime and cosplay, but aren't there conventions you could go to? Or Meetups? Do you have a LinkedIn profile? The new UI is awful but it has some good groups on there, and ones that help with start ups. Perhaps some of the stuff you want to do needs money or transport. Would you consider a moped? They cost less and are cheap to run. Are there animal shelters near you that you could volunteer at, and get your kitty fix? Big hugs to you DIMF. You're a good guy. Not a psychopath. Just hurting. Please hang in there and keep posting.