These are very complex situations. Wires tend to get crossed a lot.

Have you been able to tell him, specifically, which behaviors feel affectionate to you?

Sometimes a spouse is also upset and sees mention of SI as a form of abandonment, thus pulling further away. A spouse can take SI very personally.

When I'd wanted my husband to be affectionate, I had to honestly ask myself:
- What type of affection did I desire, very specifically, and
- How open was I, honestly, to his affection? How am I signaling him?
Am I withdrawing into my depression, distancing him?

Do you know what goes on for him when you are struggling?
Have you asked him?

Have you both ever explored couples counseling?

It sounds like you both are hurting, honestly.
Is there more you both can do to mutually bridge the gap and to assist the necessary healing?


WC