Quote:
Originally Posted by Wild Coyote
These are very complex situations. Wires tend to get crossed a lot.
Have you been able to tell him, specifically, which behaviors feel affectionate to you?
Sometimes a spouse is also upset and sees mention of SI as a form of abandonment, thus pulling further away. A spouse can take SI very personally.
When I'd wanted my husband to be affectionate, I had to honestly ask myself:
- What type of affection did I desire, very specifically, and
- How open was I, honestly, to his affection? How am I signaling him?
Am I withdrawing into my depression, distancing him?
Do you know what goes on for him when you are struggling?
Have you asked him?
Have you both ever explored couples counseling?
It sounds like you both are hurting, honestly.
Is there more you both can do to mutually bridge the gap and to assist the necessary healing?
WC |
I think that I have. I've told him to hug me more (and I go to him for this too, so it's not as if I'm just waiting around for it). I've told him to send me a message during the day when we are apart. I've told him that I will never ask him to stay home or cancel plans on my behalf unless I really really need to be with someone, so when I ask then please do it.
I almost wish the problem was his feelings about the situation, but that would imply that he is affected by my feelings, and I guess that's what I'm just not convinced of. It's the casual nature of his response - in both words and actions - that bothers me. Suicidal thoughts are extremely hard to bring up and talk about and it took a lot out of me to even go there, and now I just feel like it was for nothing - or actually, that it's made things even worse. Because if I'm going to tell anyone it's him, there's no one else. And if my one person falls flat then it feels like there is literally nowhere else to turn.
Sorry, I know I'm rambling. I really do appreciate your response, as it's helping me to articulate this stuff for myself. I have thought of couples counseling, just really lacking the motivation...