Hi all,

Looking for a bit of advice really, on how to move forward....

Here's my story - (Sorry if it's a bit of a long read)

I'd always lived a fairly 'normal' life, with no health issues at all - just a pretty laid back guy, who enjoyed life.

Back in 2007, at the age of 23, I went on a two week partying holiday with some friends and around half way through, I began to become quite 'manic', which I had no idea of at the time. I began to feel euphoric and inspired, with little need for sleep and had a whole new outlook on life, as my entire personality began to change, which led to delusions of grandeur.

Upon arriving home, my behaviour was so 'out there' that my mother was deeply concerned and tried, but failed, to get me help. I eventually admitted that I felt like I'd been given a spiritual gift, with the power to 'heal' and became aggressive towards her, when she denied my claim. This was enough to get me sectioned and I spent 28 days in a closed psychiatric ward.

I was initially diagnosed as having Bipolar Disorder, but after making a full recovery over the next couple of months, with no further symptoms, I was told that I had been misdiagnosed and was now noted as simply having a one off 'single manic episode'....

I was weened off my medication completely within 6 months and remained totally stable for 9 years.

I quickly returned to my normal life and didn't look back. My episode from 2007 had become a distant memory and something quite unexplained and bizarre.

As the years went by, I became less and less concerned that anything similar would happen again. Fast forward to 2016....

2016

Life was going great and I'd been with my company for over 3 years - I applied for a promotional role, internally, with a large salary increase and after a great interview, I was offered the job. Great news.

The day before I was due to start, this job offer was reversed and I was told to return to my former role, in what appeared to be a serious breach of contract. This would result in a large chain of stressful events, that would result in grievances against my employer, seeking legal advice, lots of time off, with work related stress and a four month investigation procedure.

After several months of fighting my corner, the company eventually agreed to settle out of court, but before a severance package could be agreed, my well being and mental health had begun to take a turn for the worse, which would delay proceedings....

The case was full of conspiracies and wrong doing, but as I became obsessed with fighting for justice and gaining a 'fair' pay off amount, I gradually started to lose touch with reality, as my theories became more and more dark and extravagant.

I began to believe that managers had been stalking my emails at work and telling others how to behave towards me - I started to believe that my line mangers were evil and were being bribed in to making my life a misery from the number one boss, who had been conducting sick 'people experiments' in the work place, by manipulating their sense of reality...

Things escalated further, as I started to believe my whole life was simply one big conspiracy and I'd been living in some sort of 'Truman Show' style experiment. My reality didn't seem real anymore, as I struggled to come to terms with how stressful my life had become.

After an aggressive outburst towards my mother, once again, for not believing my theories, I was once again sectioned under the mental health act, but would only spend 10 days in hospital this time, after getting myself legal aid and discharged.

I wasn't diagnosed with any disorder, but was given anti psychotic medication to take, which I briefly took for a month of so after my discharge - as I had to attend a quick daily morning chat with my care team, to prove I was taking them.

As soon as they discharged from the care team, I decided to secretly stop taking them, as I feared they were making me more hyper and I didn't want to go down the guinea pig route of trial and error, with different combos.

I maintained the illusion, to my doctor and family, that I was still taking them, for the next few months and was commended on making a full recovery. Their answer was that the medication was working wonders, although I wasn't even taking it and was actually hiding my true feelings.

During this time, I was still having some extremely delusional thoughts and theories and began to truly believe I was living in some sort of Matrix, or simulated reality, as strange things were happening to me on a daily basis. I believed I was some how connected with the sun and had a strange electrical pulse running through my body, which I believed others could feel - and had treble the energy of a normal person. However, I knew that I had to keep these theories a secret from all around me and act as normal as I could.

After finally receiving a fairly large payout from my company, I decided to go on an extended holiday and visit some tourist hot spots. Being away from it all did me the world of good. My delusions would eventually begin to fade and by the time I returned home, after a month, they were pretty much gone, as I finally realised that my mind and imagination had totally run away with itself. I felt rather embarrassed about it all, but was glad to be back in 'reality' again, thinking clearly.

My family and doctor praised the medication as the reason for my full recovery, so I'd finally admit that I'd stopped taking them many months ago and had got better without them. They were both rather annoyed that I'd lied, but were still pleased to see me healthy and well.

Fast forward to the present day.

These events were nearly a year ago and I've been fully stable ever since, but do have some serious concerns about my future...

The doctors offered no diagnosis and gave little explanation as to why this second episode occurred, other than 'stress'. What worries me even further, is that my first episode, in 2007, came at a time when my life was going well, with no reasonable explanation.

Although I'm grateful to not be suffering with a long term condition, I worry that my mind could 'break' again at any time and worry about entering new relationships, or having children, or getting too comfortable with my life.

A part of me feels angry that the doctors haven't diagnosed me with something, or set me up with a clear plan to stay well, as the 'mystery' element of it all sticks in the back of my mind.

How do I move forward and truly forget about the past?

Although I'm not depressed, I've somewhat lost a bit of my 'mojo' as I feel concerned for my future and rather fed up of having to fight against bad luck all the time.

Any words of advice appreciated