I wish there was a way I could make sure none of us ever had to feel this way. It's just cruel tricks of the mind and so unfair to anyone that feels it - including you, Darkness.

I care about you, even in the short time since we met - and yes, it would bother me if I received notification of your death. Social awkwardness - I think I made an artform out of it from high school on, so I understand how the looks and jeers can hurt. I don't know if I did "the right thing" but I just started doing what I enjoyed and tried not to pay any of the cruel people any attention. Sometimes I got a few friends that way, sometimes not. Best thing I learned, I only learned a couple years ago. That was that you can only control yourself - not others, and I needed to stop feeling guilt for their actions.

In other words - if someone treats you badly and then says "well you aren't worth it anyway, why should i do better" or similar...you have nothing to feel bad about. They do. They treated you bad. They insulted you. If you decide to feel bad, you are taking ownership of their guilt. Instead - go on being proud of who you are. Decide what you want to be and do because its what you want - not because someone else is causing you to feel you need to. Once I started doing that, it helped me a lot. It was hard to start doing though and as you can see - I am still not all the way there! I hope you will be able to find peace without death soon
❤