if its bipolar then why do i have identity disturbances..? such empty feeling...
not knowing who i am... strong dissociative symptoms...
the swings seem to be triggered rather than chemical... they are unpredictable and not like a wave...
ive read a lot... too much maybe... i dont wanna read anymore... just wanna get better... but how can i get better IF the diagnosis is not correct...

my therapist said she doesnt think its bipolar... she said i have strong borderline traits...

i have all these

• Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment
• A pattern of intense and unstable relationships with family, friends, and loved ones, often swinging from extreme closeness and love (idealization) to extreme dislike or anger (devaluation)
• Distorted and unstable self-image or sense of self
• Impulsive and often dangerous behaviors, such as spending sprees, unsafe sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, and binge eating
• Recurring suicidal behaviors or threats or self-harming behavior, such as cutting
• Intense and highly changeable moods, with each episode lasting from a few hours to a few days
• Chronic feelings of emptiness
• Inappropriate, intense anger or problems controlling anger
• Having stress-related paranoid thoughts
• Having severe dissociative symptoms, such as feeling cut off from oneself, observing oneself from outside the body, or losing touch with reality

the evidence to borderline gets stronger and stronger...
i didnt want to accept the borderline personality either... but it makes sense...
bipolar just doesnt add up as much... or maybe i have bipolar and borderline... i dont know... i know that mood stabilizers dont help.. antipsychotics havent helped.. antidepressants havent helped... i've tried a slew of medications to no avail.. and followed doctors orders even though i didnt agree.. you know?

sorry... im really depressed because i lost my only friend yesterday due to this crap...
stupid stupid stupid...