Dear Dr. S, Thank you for your reply this morning. -me
PC - might as well update you with details rather than these cryptic messages, least I become unaluna. Topic discussed in last part of yesterday's session had to do my anger and then turned to my violent intrusive thoughts. She's known I have them - yesterday I told her that what worries me isn't that I'll act on them, but that I like them, that if I started I wouldn't be able to stop. (I'll put something in the In Session thread later today with more details.)
Monday night email sent to T:
Quote:
T first name (I don't call T by first name)... Dr. S,
I am safe but not doing well. I had hoped going back and asking if we were ok would help. Maybe too soon but I was trying to avoid emailing you. I'm shaky sad, scared, rocky, want you, want to email you. F * ck, I wish I would have stopped myself. I wish I wouldn't have shared. I wish I could take it all back. scared, so scared. I wish there was some way to erase this session, at least the last half. You weren't supposed to be told that stuff, I don't know why I let it out. I'm sorry, so sorry. hide. I feel like the boat has capsized. I don't know how to make it feel safe, how you can help make it feel safe, .I don't know. Please on Wednesday... take the ball... please let this side crawl back in its corner of my psyche. Can you let me know that...you don't see me as a monster... how will I believe you when I can't believe myself? I don't think I will be able to face you on Wednesday or maybe better statement is I don't know how I am going to face you. No plans to cancel, but I want the earth to swallow me up - disappear.
I am so sorry, so sorry,
me
PS. a friend just reminded me that you did not get upset by today's admissions. Could you tell me again how my thoughts are not me? And maybe again on Wednesday when half my brain isn't tied behind my back. Doing better. Deep breath. Sigh. We are ok. Believe.
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Tuesday morning email sent to T:
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Good Morning Dr. S,
Update: I am more stable. I feel sad. I feel like I am in the boat, laying down along the bottom, exhausted from a tantrum. I am still some scared. I am not as distraught as I was yesterday evening.
As much as I want to hide from what has been shared, we will need to talk about it some tomorrow. Please still remind me that you can separate me from my thoughts. Though if I am not in part my thoughts, who am I - how do you define a person (something for tomorrow)?
Thank you for caring about me,
me
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Reply from T:
Quote:
Dear me,
Thank you for reaching out. I am glad you are feeling a little more stable and agree with you about talking more tomorrow--it feels like we might be on the cusp of finding something important that we can explore together. We can talk about Monday and also about the question you raise regarding thoughts and identity and anything else that is on your mind. Thoughts are thoughts. Feelings are feelings. And you are you. Thank you for being you! I look forward to seeing you tomorrow!
Faithfully,
T
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