My T warned me when I first asked her about starting therapy that therapy might lead to the end of my marriage. That is something that can happen. I have a little more understanding now than I did then about why that happens. Relationships are formed between two people who both have a need for something that the other can give them. People change over time, and when couples grow and change together, the relationship tends to be strengthened. However, if one partner in a relationship changes significantly faster than the other or in a different direction, then both of you might look around and discover that the person you are married to is not the person you first began a relationship with, or not the person you thought they were, or you may realize that your needs are very different now and your spouse doesn't provide what you need anymore, or you aren't able to give what he or she needs.

If the spouse is able to change too, in compatible ways, and you are both able to accomodate each other's growth, then the relationship can benefit from the results of therapy (whether it is individual for one or both, or joint therapy). But if your spouse resists the healthy changes that you need to make, and you feel held back and prevented from becoming who you need to become, that will be a problem.

Therapy also uncovers issues that you weren't aware of before. You might discover that you married someone who is just like one of your parents, and not in a good way. You might discover that you have fundamental differences in values and world view. Sometimes these issues can be resolved if you communicate openly about what the problems and issues are. It takes both partners being willing and able to look at it honestly and make accomodations.

Some relationships that are impacted by the therapy process can and should be salvaged. There are others where maybe it's for the best that you each get a fresh start. Either way it is really hard.

To answer your other questions, I am still married (for 17 years), and my marriage is struggling. I'm afraid to say what I really feel (with anyone), and I'm not comfortable with intimacy. I am not sure that I can be what my husband needs. He doesn't think that individuation is a good idea. I always knew that I was not ready to be married, wanted to know that I could take care of myself on my own and never really got the chance. I'm not even sure that I've ever been attracted to men, but my values are such that I felt very pressured to get married and have children and do all the traditional stuff. I'm not good at it though, and it almost killed me. When I realized, more than 4 years ago now, that I felt so trapped that I saw suicide as the only way out, and then started searching for the missing pieces of myself, I started becoming someone that I wasn't before. He often feels like I am abandoning him and the family, and I can understand why he feels that way. I went through quite a separation process, becoming a workaholic, and going back to school. I'm not home a lot, and when I am home I have my own things I want to do. I lost so much time (I don't even remember much of those years - most of my life - when I was numb or lost in depression), and now there isn't nearly enough time to make up for it.

I have been in therapy, this time, for 3 years. I've had at least 7 previous therapists, some for a very short time and one other for a couple of years off and on, but this is the first time I'm getting anywhere, and it's really slow. I don't believe there is a time limit to healing. It is a lifelong process. Maybe at some point the balance shifts and it feels more like the normal growth process and less of a need to heal from past hurts. But everyone has hidden wounds that resurface from time to time, and everyone gets hurt sometimes as part of their life experience. I think that healing has to go on forever, and should, for everyone even if they have never needed therapy.

TC,
Rap