I had t last nite. It was hard. I don't remember, but I still feel the affect today. T wrote on my card that everything went fine, which simply means that we didn't act out in a bad way. however, I know that stuffs came out because I'm still feeling such an after affect.

I always have such a hard time when we hit on certain things in t. I feel so bad. I feel like a bad person and that I'm in trouble...something bad is going to happen because I'm so bad. I feel so stupid, fat, ugly...a freak. I feel like everyone's staring at me because of it. I'm such a freak that everyone stares. I stand out in a room...like I'm the only thing color in a black and white room...not color in a good way either. I look at pictures of that little girl and she was none of those things, but she still feels she is and it bleeds over to me so bad...that's how I know what we talked about.

How could a pretty little girl be so singled out and hated? Why? How could a child represent everything that they hated so much? I don't understand. I hate myself for allowing them to still get to me like this. I hate them. I hate that I hate.

I'm glad I survived, don't get me wrong. I would just think that after everything, I could survive without so much pain...In times like this, I'm not a survivor. I'm still a victim and I HATE it.

thank you for listening.

kd