So, as most of you know from my previous post, my mood seems to have lifted, but this is along with the absence of being able to do anything-- or a struggle when something absolutely has to be done.

I am telling T about this and as I am explaining it, I start to cry. I end up crying on and off throughout the session, really losing it at the end. Two full tears ran down my face, maybe three. This session required the use of three tissues.

All of the pain and sadness of the depression came back to me during the session. T said it was because I am "allowed" to feel it there. I gathered that maybe my mood had lifted at home because maybe I decided I was no longer "allowed" to feel that way because of how difficult it is for my husband.... but all those feelings are still there. I became beyond upset at how much of myself is lost. I got scared that I was going to turn into my mother because a lot of the characteristics are similar, but hers are of a much stronger severity.

I began to get suicidal ideation images and thoughts during session, telling him that I didn't necessarily want to die, but could no longer live this way if all I was going to do was sit on the couch all day.

Then I said to T, "I can't tell if I hate this session or not." I said to him, "I don't feel particularly connected to you and I don't feel particularly disconnected.... what do you think?" Then he gave some %#@&#! answer and I pointed to the tissue box and then pointed at him. He said, "I know you want to throw it at me. Why are you mad at me?" I told him how when I ask him a question I always have this ideal response in mind; a response that I wish he would give. He asked what that reponse was. I told him, "I wanted you to say, "Oh, I am so completely connected to you." And he asked me, "Well what if that is not the truth?" So I told him, "Then tell me that you are not connected to me. Tell me something. And then we'll talk about it."

So then T explained to me what happened. See, at one point in the session I was describing some things about my stay in the hospital 8 years ago. T said that he felt extremely connected to me at this point. Then I began to tell T that sometimes I think that maybe he's thinking that my problems really aren't all that serious and that I should just get over them (these thoughts are a product of the way I have been treated about my problems for a long time). T said that when I told him that his defenses went up-- he said when I was explaining my hospitalization, he felt so connected to me, but then when I said the other stuff, suddenly his defenses went up... He told me that he said to himself, "Wait-- stop-- why I am I feeling all of this sh** when she doesn't even think I am seriously concerned?" And he said it was at that point that he felt the disconnection.

I thought it was amazing that he admitted this to me. After we talked about this, we reconnected. I cried more. He told me to stay for five more minutes. He took me through some deep breathing while I fell apart. Then he told me to look at the painting in on the wall (which is of a woman in a peaceful garden). We did a relaxing visualization of me in the garden (after I told him I would kill all the plants and he insisted that I couldn't kill these plants).

Then we went over (yet again) that I can call anytime. He said, "I know you think you are being strong of you don't call. The other night you were feeling alone-- you could have called. You can call to tell me good things, too. You can just let me know what's going on." I said, "You really want to know?" And he said, "Of course. Why wouldn't I?"

On our next session we will plan our 2x per week schedule.

I cried hysterically in the car. T tried to validate my feelings that it is okay to be stuck on the couch because that is just where I am emotionally right now. He understands how much I am hurting. I saw the pain in his eyes. I don't know what else to say.

At the end he said, "Do you still hate this session?" And with tears in my eyes, I just looked at him and shook my head 'no.'