I wanted to say thanks again to everyone who responded. I have had 5 sessions since I wrote this post and if left some responses unanswered then not because I would not have appreciated them but rather that things have changed (as they always do, right).

I wanted to give some update of what has been happening. Basically the situation culminated last Wednesday when the situation was the same the whole session, I was very hostile and only argued with T. However, somehow the session ending seemed very abrupt and I felt unable to leave because I felt like I was moving with some speed due to inertia and the session ending required me to stop and I couldn't. I put on my coat and sat down again and said something about that I have made the T up and so I have made up everything he says and so I don't really have to listen to him. He tried to convince me couple of minutes to leave but I wouldn't listen. Finally he said that if I don't leave now then he will lift me out (he had the next patient coming in few minutes). At this moment I got in touch with my feelings and I started to cry. I begged him to lift me out because it seemed to me that if he does that then I can choose not to come the next day. Otherwise I felt that I'm trapped to come. So he opened the door, lifted me up and directed out of the door. I did not try to fight him. I actually calmed down.

At first I thought that I will not go to my Thursday sessions because I couldn't imagine feeling safe. It seemed to me that if I go anything can happen and it felt safer not to go. Somehow however, by the evening I realised that me not leaving and his lifting me out has changed the dynamic and I felt that probably I can keep myself safe, or if things don't feel safe I figured I might be able to leave.

So I went in Thursday expecting T wanting to talk about what happened the previous day. But I don't know, something truly had changed - both in me and in him. For the first time over months we were able to talk. I told him that this is what I am today but I have no idea who I am when I come back next week. T said that he knows that and that he does not prefer one part to another, he said that he is happy and willing to work with any part that shows up.

So this week things have been calmer. The sessions have started in the old fashion, with me being first silent and then argumentative when he tries to engage with me but I feel he is doing something different now or I am more receptive to something or I don't know. For instance today I was able to get in touch and express some of the pain that probably comes from a very early age and during this process I felt firmly held by him.

Anyway, I hope we now get some good work done before his long summer holiday that starts in less than 2 months.