I wanted to reply because I struggle with this, too. I was also bullied a lot at school, about my appearance and also my general pathetic-loser aura. I've never had confidence in my life, but it was then, when school became such a hell on earth that I had to drop out, that I "found out" what a crap person I am in this society. Never before then did I hate myself, insult myself, or belittle myself. Only internalizing what other teenagers said and did to me at a rough (now closed down) school. I learned to see myself this way. I'm thinking maybe it was the same for you? You internalized what other kids, idiots, cretins with their own fears of social status and being accepted, said and did. We become the bully to ourselves forever more, long after the original bullies are gone. And it's really hard to un-learn it, after we were so thoroughly convinced.

But it's vital. For me, personally, I have dreams of a different life, a different perspective, a different way of doing things and relating; and there is a thread in these dreams, what is clearly "the way" to live that life: I see myself differently, think, feel, behave differently. I'm kind to myself. It is the only way. I've realised that you cannot enjoy life and live with peace unless you like yourself and are kind to yourself. If we don't like ourselves, we're essentially sitting next to a person we loathe 24/7, for the rest of our lives. Only with self-esteem and self-respect can we be as strong in life as we want to be. We need to rely on ourselves, have our own backs.

No one is unworthy of self-esteem. Even nasty, rude people who seem to find humor in verbal cruelty have self-esteem. If they can like themselves, we should certainly be able to like ourselves. You cannot be unworthy of your own kindness.

It's hard, I have the same voice in my head that tells me the good things are not true. But this voice is, and perhaps always was, an illusion. Learned, and then held on to. Somehow it has to be let go and replaced with something kind. Only then can we get the strength to fight for a better life.