I wrote an email to T.. I hope it was good enough ..

she called me concerned for my safety asked if i needed to go to the hospital...

i dunno what i feel, i just feel ... empty, on edge.. im ok, im going to be ok.. the first is coming up, therapy is coming up, and im going to make it..
its just this feeling... like im dieing mentally... or dead.. an uneasiness, an emptiness... a quietness.. a disturbing stillness..

does any of that resonate? does it make sense?
i cant make sense of it.. i feel very anxious.. but i feel very calm... too calm.. too anxious.. and i cant explain it..
but im hanging in there.. i really dont wanna die, im scared..

ill get my gabapentin in a little bit... and hopefully it will help...
im also starting saphris if i get it today...

i appreciate all you guys views and thoughts... cause im having a hard time seeing whats right infront of my face
i think that maybe i really am dissociated from whats happening.. depersonalized or whatever...
i just have never read anything about it happening like this... so im so confused... but maybe i have read about it and just because im dissociating it im not able to put it together...

i have severe mood swings, when i have a mood that is.. because sometimes im just a blank, empty shell, of a human.. if i can be called a human
maybe, just maybe im just so depersonalized that im sincerely confused about what im experiencing.

im really going to try to talk about this stuff this time, instead of discussing psychology... i need to talk about myself, i didnt realize i was doing that with my therapist but it must of been frustrating to her.. its just really difficult to talk about myself because i dont know myself

i just wanna say thanks for everyone and apologize for my confusions.. i really hope that im able to figure this out now that im at the ropes end...