((Mr. Stranger)),

It's good that you are seeing things that challenge you and how your father's behaviors have contributed to these challenges.

When your father did not allow you to play and socialize when you were younger and instead insisted on you studying or probably doing chores for him. He actually deprived you of a childhood where you would slowly learn how to socialize even if you made silly mistakes or did not do it perfectly.


This is something that happens in early childhood. Yet, we also get a chance to see how others make mistakes too, how others can be awkward and anxious. Yet, when we have a parent that raises us with constant criticism, that too can lead to how a child can develop feeling awkward and anxious. A parent can "unknowingly" encourage a child to develop low self esteem. (have you checked out the new forum Childhood Emotional Neglect?).

When someone is raised in a situation where the parents are not nurturing, but instead controlling and critical and saying things like "your success is important to how good I feel as a parent", it sets that person up to struggle with low self esteem and also to expect others to criticize or find fault and not want to be a friend or have you around.

Your father was actually right when he said that you would do better socially if he is not around. Well, while I do understand you struggle either way, it's a lot worse when he is present. This is evident in everything you have shared since you have been back home.

You know the best thing you have done so far is join this site? That is because you are interacting in a social network where you can actually read a lot of the thoughts and challenges that people have that you don't see in real life. There are a lot of people that interact on this site that are married, have families and jobs that can "appear" to have all the things you say you don't have which adds to your challenge of struggling with low self esteem. YET, a lot of these people are struggling and have a lot of challenges and are very unhappy.

One of the ways to make gains is becoming a part of a community like this one, but also looking into finding live "support" groups too. I don't know if that is something that is available where your parents live. But it's worth looking into once you find your way to get away from your parents.

You have not been a member for very long at this site, but look at how much you are learning and how others have been reaching out to you to support and help you. I am here, we are interacting and you are doing fine and even gaining in articulating the things that are challenging you. If you give yourself a chance the more you share, the more you try to engage, the better you will get at doing just that. You can also really learn a lot because you now have access to a lot of information. You can also begin to realize how you are not as alone as you think you are too. You actually "can" practice and even though this is not with people who are physically in front of you, they "are" real people with real challenges that can be lonely just like you and "now" they have a way to vent, share, and interact verses being alone.