Yes, I understand because I have done that myself "A LOT". I have most definitely vented here out of complete frustration because I was challenged so much IRL that I honestly did not know what else to do.

Here are my feelings about what I hear in you thus far. I think you are really genuinely struggling with Social Phobia/ Social Anxiety and you are struggling with that because of not only how you were raised but because you did not have a chance to learn about socializing. And, you have been "hurt" to the point where it traumatized you. That is not all that far from my challenge with PTSD in that I was "hurt"/traumatized so badly that I began to withdraw and struggle and self blame and I would get so confused and frustrated.

Unfortunately, very similar to you, I had too many people around me that were angry with me for struggling and kept saying all the wrong things to me. At one point it was so bad I seriously considered just getting on a bus to a city and becoming a homeless person without any identity. When it did not get any better I had really bad thoughts/impulses and wanted to give up completely.

I can't say enough how hard it can be when you are really suffering and people around you are so ignorant that they are flat out "mean". I am so sorry that happens, and sadly it happens way too much too.

I hear you and I can understand how difficult this is and how what you are feeling is very real and difficult. I am glad you can come her and vent and have others than can listen and understand and offer support.

Even though you are so very challenged, it's important that you work on coming up with a plan to get away from your parents and that toxic environment. Even if you can't do that right this minute, keep coming here for support and also read and learn too. That will help you manage how you struggle with how your parents can behave in toxic ways.
While your parents are not going to change, you can "slowly" learn how to see these toxic behaviors are "their faults" and slowly work on not absorbing them to where you allow these behaviors to upset you emotionally, and I know that is a challenge because I have been working on that myself, and I am not always successful and I can struggle emotionally myself. I have some very toxic things taking place in my life, and often I am at such a loss and I can sink and self blame, feel it's my fault because I can't seem to "just" not feel affected when I get anywhere near a toxic family member.

It's important that you find a "safe" place you can go too. It could be a nearby park, a church, a quiet market, a movie theater, even a library where you can go and find a quiet corner and read. This is to find ways to distance "away" from your toxic father and even your mother. You can always come here and vent too and just pretend you are job hunting or doing research and not to bother you.

It's good that you are using this site because you are actually "learning" while you vent and share with others who understand and can be supportive so you don't feel so alone.