I have a friend who brings out the absolute worst in me. She self-harms too, but her cuts are far less deep. She tells me that my cuts are "impressive" and that she's "a ***** who can't cut deep enough" and so on.

But then she asked me how to cut deeper. She knows my biggest weakness is that I'm too honest. If people ask me about anything, and I know the answer, I'm probably going to tell them - except very personal information of course.

So... I told her some things she could do to make her cuts deeper. Which I know is really bad. Then I wanted pictures of her cuts, to see the results of what I had told her... and she didn't cut very deep after all. So I thought "okay, I told you all that and you didn't even bother to use it?"

I know I shouldn't have told her anything and I should be glad she isn't cutting deeper. But part of me is just really disappointed. I know it's sick and wrong - but so is self-harm in general, right? - but I can't help but feel like I would actually prefer that she had cut deeper...

Anyway, this person is bringing out a lot of bad stuff in me, and she's constantly trying to make me do drugs with her. Which I will never do, because that's illegal, but she's just such a bad influence in general. And yet, she's a really good friend. I can be myself around her and I can tell her EVERYTHING. She doesn't make fun of my problems or belittle me, she doesn't just scream that I should "get help" every time I tell her a secret.

I wish I could decide that I'm not going to feel like this anymore, but we all know that's not how it works.

I'm also struggling with self harm urges again... I overslept on the last day of school (this semester, other than the exams) and I just feel so lost. I don't know what to do with my life when I don't have school (university) to focus on. I mean, I know I should focus on the exams, but I have to be alone for three weeks now and I'm just really lonely already. I'm too afraid to hang out with friends after school, and I know they don't like me, and all of my family live too far away.

I'm so lonely I'm considering cutting just so I have an excuse to talk to the doctor...