So, I have been diagnosed bipolar since I was in high school. I am now in my mid twenties, and was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder bipolar type about a year ago, (which was inevitable, because schizophrenia runs in my family.) Anyways, I have always had problems functioning in society. In elementary school I used to literally run out of school during the middle of the day and run home. In high school I would just never go to school. I got my associates degree ONLINE so I wouldn't have to actually go to school. I feel nervous in public, and have panic attacks all day. I feel like everyone is staring at me, or talking about me. When I get too worked up it gets my voices going, and I feel like everyone around me can hear them and that freaks me out more.

I have been employed on and off for the past 10 years. I have never kept a job longer than a year, and the only job I was able to keep for a year I was fired from. I just started a new job 3 weeks ago working as an auditor at a hotel. Last night, before I even left for work, I knew it was going to be a rough night. I was dreading it all day, and started having a panic attack 20 minutes before I had to leave. This triggered my voices, which were telling me that if I went to work I was going to die. I had my fiancé drive me to work, because I knew that if I drove myself I wouldn't go, I would just run away like I always do. But that didn't even work. I panicked the whole ride, and could not stop crying, and right before we were about to turn into the parking lot I started screaming at him to take me home.

So here I am, at home, hating myself because I did a no call no show on ANOTHER job, (this has to be the 20th time AT LEAST!) I haven't looked at my phone all day long because I don't want to read everyone's texts and voicemails asking me where I am and if I'm ok. What do I do? I have tried so many coping methods, NOTHING helps! And I've been going through this since I was 5 years old. It's physically exhausting me. Last week I slept a total of 25 hours in 2 days because I could not stay awake. I am currently on Latuda, Depakote, and Xanax as needed. I have tried a multitude of meds, (Prozac, Zoloft, seroquil, amiben, Ativan, lithium, etc.) but they only ever work temporarily. My tolerance builds up so quickly, and for this reason I've gotten physically addicted to Benzos before, and I am NOT willing to put myself through that again. HELP!!!!!