I would trust you to consider those kids more than I would trust her. You seem to have sincerely tried to meet your wife way more than half way. No matter what gripe she may have from the past, there is no need for her to be "rude, cold and belittling" when you have offered to do everything humanly possible to make amends. She seems to have irrevocably decided that she places no value on the marriage. But she plays this headgame of not being willing to admit she wants to end things . . . but she has ended things. It's exasperating. It's insincere. All I can guess is there must be some financial incentive to postponing divorce.

If you're ready to accept that the marriage is over, then it totally makes sense to come to a legal resolution of the matter - one that clearly sets up responsibilities, rights, expectations. I believe it will give the children a more secure sense of what to expect.

Your children will learn a lot watching how their parents resolve this. It's not good for them to see you role modeling letting their mother play you for a fool. A good woman wouldn't want her kids seeing that either. Even women I've known who had excellent reasons for leaving a marriage usually tried to uphold their ex's dignity in their children's eyes. I forget the gender of your children. If you have a son, he is building his concept of manhood, watching you. He can emotionally survive his parents' divorce. But it would be damaging for him to get the sense that "My mom's making an @$$ of my dad, and my dad is just taking it." Then he's likely to go in one of two directions: One would be where he decides that "I don't want to be anything like my dad and have a woman treat me the same way someday." or he decides that "I guess, if a woman wants to crap on you, there's nothing you can do, but just suck it up." It's not unhealthy for kids to see some parental conflict. All kids see a certain amount. Kids need to see conflict resolved in a way that teaches: both parents have rights that deserve respect. This is where the court system can be instrumental in acting as a fair arbiter and enforcer of justice. Seeing that play out in a reasonable way can help kids feel more secure. They can learn that, if one of the parents gets a wrong idea, they are not totally at the mercy of that parent's poor judgement. As kids get older, judges are very interested in how they feel about things. By now, I think your kids would feel relieved to be told that there is a plan for the future and that it will provide for their safety and security. Everything being up in the air can't possibly feel okay to them. They need to know if you are going away again and, if so, how far away. They need to know what rights over them their mom's future boyfriends will have.

Having worked with very troubled children in children's psych facilities, I can't emphasize enough the importance of that last sentence in the preceeding paragraph. Divorce doesn't mean you will have one tidbit less responsibility than you had or have. I believe you know that. Kids need to be reassured that you know that. Their mother has displayed some questionable judgement about involving her kids in her "dating" life. With all due respect for your wife's autonomy, you will need to have a care as to how she conducts herself, in that regard. I don't know a lot about family courts, but I believe they can offer some guidance when co-parents are in dispute about apropriate behavior. Here's a just one quick link:

Promise of Family Court

Do some googling and consult with an attorney about what provisions you need to make. Here's an example of reading that might help you prepare:

https://helpguide.org/articles/famil...ed-parents.htm

I would think you may do well to not be baited into hostile exchanges by your wife's rudeness. Try and maintain a detached, but courteous demeaner. Don't tell her your private business, and don't be overly curious about hers. Listen quietly to what the children share and refrain from overly emotional responses to what you might hear. I think kids are very capable of discerning when adult behavior is what it should be.

I hope the worst of the pain is starting to get behind you. You can and should move on. From what I hear, there is no shortage of young women out there looking for decent men. Here's something I was saying on another thread: When I was 30 and single, I decided that I preferred to date divorced men, over men my age who had never been married. I found men in the latter category to be lacking in normal life experience. Many years later, I'm with the divorced man I met when I was 31. Experience, even heart-breaking experience, matures a man. I have a feeling you could be a good catch for someone. Don't be in a rush, but get the divorce and resume circulation. I would add that smart women are favorably impressed by men who don't bad mouth their ex-wives, which seems to not be your inclination.