(((shattered sanity))),

It's unfortunate, but you are not alone with this challenge. The reality is that a lot of people grow up in dysfunctional families. This can most definitely lead to the kind of challenge you are describing.

I have a really hard time with this myself. I have very long thread in another more private forum and the title of that thread is "I feel like it's my fault". What I struggle with that is so deep in my core is that when something goes wrong that it will turn into me being blamed in some way. Unfortunately, this can be instilled in us before we even have any capacity to know what it means. Sometimes, without even having a choice we can be given a part in our own family unit where the dysfunction trickles down to us and we can be left with emotional confusion, or we unknowingly accept our role and begin to think of it as "normal". Our childhood is the scariest part of our lives. This is when we are the most vulnerable and without realizing it, a good part of our lives is getting over these confusing and scary childhood experiences.

I was the youngest of three and I can vividly remember how much I wanted to do things but was simply not able to because of how I was not able to have the control over my body like my older siblings had. Because I was the youngest I just could not keep up and often I was picked on for that. I had the littlest legs and I simply could not keep up and I sure tried but I do remember getting tired out and being picked on for it.

My reality that I have relived in such an intrusive way was that I did not feel "safe" in my own family environment. Truth is that I was exposed to a lot of drama and trauma and I NEVER had the capacity to understand any of it. I was the little one left on the beach blanket with my older sister standing over me all stressed out while my mother in a panic had to run off to look for my older brother who always took off. I remember sitting on the floor of my parents old drafty house with my older sister "again" standing over me stressed and angry while my mother had to run down the street to look for my older brother as yet again he managed to get out and wander off. I remember crawling on the floor and to the phone that was on the floor because there was so little furniture and I tried to use the phone to call for help. I actually did manage to get a voice on that phone and I remember trying to find the words to talk about "where is my mommy". I remember how my older sister was "always angry and bossy" too. Going all the way back I was stuck in the middle of how much my older sister HATED my older brother and ironically that NEVER changed not even now when I am 60 and my older brother is 62 and my older sister is 64.

My entire life I was always looking over my shoulder, that was my normal and I never realized that was not normal. Finally after so much struggle, so many flashbacks from my past I FINALLY last October saw what was "there" over my shoulder, and I did not even know that it was this person that would trigger me to have all these flashbacks. I was trying to visit my parents who are now very controlled by my older sister and she has been mean and bossy and very controlling in a "disordered" way. For the very first time when I sat there I finally noticed how my sister was right there "over my shoulder" pacing and angry and how dysfunctional she was behaving and just how far back that went, and it went "all the way back" for me. For the first time I realized that when I was so challenged and suicidal the one thing I had felt to the depths of me was how much it would be better for others if I was not around. I had that message so early on before I even had a chance to even remotely comprehend it. My mother always said, "your sister is jealous of you", and I never understood that, but now I do because I was the baby and she was jealous and she was jealous from the moment my older brother came home that threatened her getting "full" attention.
She hated that all her life and made it a point to "control" and hover over my parents always wanting them to herself.

They say children don't remember things, but I know otherwise. You know that saying, "we may not remember exactly what someone else says but we never forget how it makes us feel"? Well, this is the truth and this most definitely starts very early in our lives before we even have any idea what it means or have a choice on the matter.

It's "not your fault" that you struggle like you do today. You need to come to your own very personal understanding that it is not your fault that you were encouraged to "feel" the way you do. Some people get to the point where they have to cut off from their family because they have decided they will no longer accept the role they were handed that they never deserved and their own family is too ignorant to recognize how by putting you in the role they put you in they were "hurting" you. Unfortunately, that is something human beings tend to do, "label" others and put them into roles that is never really deserved. Unfortunately, human beings do this out of a desire to gain their own sense of safety and control and this is done on a level that is built into human nature itself. This begins before one even has a chance to understand it too. So, often we begin adapting before we have any capacity to know what we are adapting to and that it can be unhealthy and lead to further challenges down the path in our lives. Adapting is also a part of human nature, we are designed that way for our survival. So, you should not be blaming yourself for just being human.