Hi all,
I am seeking advice here because I feel someone may be able to either help me understand what it is I'm facing or open my eyes to the truth. This is kind of long so please bare with me.
I have been with my husband for 10 years now. We got together at age 17. Married for 6 years. We are 27 and 28 yrs old now. So almost two years ago after the birth of our second child I was going through his phone and came across an email address, got into it and found the shock of my life. Numerous of emails from Craigslist casual encounters, with men. I NEVER saw that coming. I woke him up immediately and he just kept saying he didn't do anything physical, until I came across an email that he was definently caught lying about that in. So he says he let 2 guys give him oral. He claims to have never met up with anymore than that although the emails had a two year span. They would go quite far in consistency. Like one conversation would happen in let's say May and another wouldn't happen until August. Anyways, so I talked to my friend about this and she asked if he had been sexually abused as a child. I was confused as to why that mattered. I knew he had a very bad childhood but he had never mentioned that. So I asked. He admitted that he was sexually abused at the age of 9 by a male friend of his alcoholic fathers. He was forced to allow that man to perform oral sex on him. So I looked into it and saw that this could be trauma reenactment. Made a counseling appointment and tried like hell to understand. But the counselors did not help much. We are in a small town and I don't believe we have access to counselors that have dealt with a range of issues like this. Anyways, so I found a book by Joe Kort about why straight men have gay sex. And he in fact explained the trauma as a cause sometimes. My husband swears he isn't bisexual because at this point I don't believe he would be gay I would think it would be bisexual. I must mention during the time he acted out on this was a very bad time in our marriage. He was here caring for my terminally I'll mother as I went out and drank to get away from the reality of loosing my mom in front of my eyes. So he tells me he felt abandoned and alone and he feels that's what triggered it. I take some of the blame for sure. But I am in a place now where I just always worry, what if he is bisexual? The desire will never go away. Is he only away from that because I have all sites like that blocked from his cellphone and he has no access? Or, is he telling the truth that he has no desire to be with a man in any way and he doesn't know why it happened other than the abuse. We have two babies. A home. A life. I love him but I don't want to be the person who is delaying the inevitable but then again I don't want to leave a man who has been there for me and has been a good man other than this if he isn't bisexual. Any advice or help would be greatly appreciated.