There are a lot of people interacting on this site that struggle when it comes to socializing and interacting with others effectively. This affects a lot of individual's sense of self worth too. Human beings have used language and socializing as a means to manipulate, control, and dominate other human beings throughout human history. It's not easy to be human and all humans try very hard to find their way to feeling "worthy".
You mentioned how your siblings allow your parents to control them right? Well, your father used language with your siblings that got him that control. You were more sensitive and his way of using his words to control you "hurt" you. You are seeing that a lot more now that you are home and you are observing how your father uses language.
When I was little, I was the youngest and one of the things that challenged me the most was in my effort to grasp language I became the one with the least power. Every time I tried to talk and my father was present, I never got a chance to finish talking or making an effort to communicate. My father never failed to stop me and correct me in how I was trying to articulate. Because of that I developed a problem when it came to thinking about something I wanted to talk about and coming up with the words. What happened is that I began to develop a studder in my brain because I was anticipating that whatever I did manage to say was going to be criticized. I began to also develop a fear of talking to adults too where whatever I said would not be good enough. That is a kind of phobia. For a really long time I struggled that way and I also was afraid of eye contact too. What I did not understand at that time was how I was being encouraged to feel "shame". My father, in his effort to want me to learn how to speak good english, hurt me and shamed me instead of actually helping me.
I struggled with that for many years, yet, I did try to privately overcome that challenge and I read to myself out loud a lot and then later on I was asked to babysit and that's when I found out that with children I could talk without being shamed and criticized. Yet, for a really long time I still struggled when it came to talking to authority type figures. That used to frustrate me a lot too. I had not really realized "how" that developed, not in the way I see that now looking back.
What I can see of you is that you use language well, you "are" actually very articulate. Yet, that becomes a challenge to you when you are trying to do that in live social situations. I can understand that because of how I myself faced that challenge, especially when it came to interacting with adults. It took me a long time to slowly overcome that challenge. And what I now think helped me with that is because I spent so much time with children, I began to develop an ability to see the "child" in other adults.
When your father hits you with his words of control, you tend to resort to that child part of you where he hurt you. What you don't see "yet" is the spoiled brat child in him that is a bully. YET, you are beginning to recognize some things about your father that you now resent because your father is a man who doesn't respect others. When a person insists on sending a message of "if you are not this I am unhappy", now matter how they say that even in the best form of language, it's showing "disrespect" for others and how much that person expects others to obey and how selfish and controlling that other person is. These people practice "shaming". There is a lot of shaming that takes place in human socializing. That's because it has always proven very effective when it comes to controlling others. It also exists in every culture and every religion too. This is a human condition in that human beings have always been trying to design structures that results in controlling others in an effort to attain a sense of safety and a way to predict threats.
You are not alone when it comes to struggling with a sense of self worth. And you are not alone when it comes to struggling when it comes to gaining a sense of comfort in socializing with others, even though that is the hardest for you. You are also not alone in how you think that so many others are functioning well in the social area and you wish you could and yet this is the one area that you feel the most challenged with. The truth is that socializing is one of the most challenging areas when it comes to human nature. Most people feel vulnerable in that area and they find ways to work around it in an effort to hide it or avoid social situations that make them uncomfortable.
One of the busiest places in this site is the Relationship Forum, and also the Depression forum. Truth is what is normal about being a human is not being normal because there really is no true normal because we ALL struggle in some way.
