All what you said is right, but not easy, at all. It is not easy when society around you judges people by definite steps of progress according to age. It is not easy for me to see all my school peers are more successful than me. Why do you think I wanted to read? I want to progress, and do better in life, but I couldn't make myself do it because the idea that I am behind is so depressing. I know it is better late than never, but it is painful to see others of my age and younger enjoying life, and already did what I am still trying to do. If I had the option, I would choose to vanish and disappear right now over living this life. Saying that feeling dead is necessary to find oneself is true, only if you find yourself. Not all people find themselves. I have been in this state for years, and my situation is getting worse by the day, which is a bad indication. I know it is my thought process, but I am weaker than going against it. Mentally and emotionally I am so weak. I am crippled by my negative emotions and thoughts.