Hello again Mr. S... Yes, "not easy at all" - but that doesn't mean that it cannot be accomplished by you... It's doable, friend! I had experienced a lot of mental turmoil and hardship/suffering throughout much of my adolescence and young adulthood. So much so that I eventually became very numb and didn't want to live anymore - just wanted this life to be done and over with... I cannot tell you that I knew how to bring myself out of that state of being - I didn't! I didn't have any advanced knowledge or foresight about how to help myself. I just felt 'stuck' and helpless - which maybe you can relate to feeling. But let me tell you this. There comes a time where an individual reaches a point where he/she has finally had ENOUGH of thinking, feeling, and perceiving in a certain manner... It's like a breaking point that is reached, or a critical turning point where your consciousness simply cannot continue to identify with those former thoughts/feelings/perceptions that you had become so accustomed to, anymore! In many ways this type of 'shift' is analogous to when a person with a strong addiction hits 'rock bottom' - and then something changes inside them and their thinking and perceiving starts to change and become more clear... They begin realizing how to help themsevles and how to bring about their own healing. This is the best way I can describe the experience... So the fact that you've told me that you've been in this state for years is not a 'negative' as far as I'm concerned. Sometimes that course of events and experience is what's necessary for you to eventually reach the point where you begin to let go of the old and start pushing yourself in a new direction and into previously uncharted territory... This was certainly the case for me...

It takes time & some serious inner-work to undo all of the conditioning that your physical mind has been exposed to from the time of birth up until now - conditioning both from society at large, from everyone you've ever been around, and conditioning that has been self-inflicted. I know it's not easy, and even the thought-patterns that really drag us down and cause us suffering are hard to let go of and release - because they had become so ingrained and feel so strong & real... But again, you can move beyond these conditioned ways of thinking/perceiving... You can....

Listen, I am 35 years old... I used to work in a soul-crushing corporate environment (for 6 years).... During that time period I found myself going through an internal transformation that was playing out within me. For a few years my company began doing mass layoffs and eventually my number was called. After this happened I ended up taking several years off and not working (I had the means to support myself)... I just needed to unplug myself from the societal grind and focus on what I personally felt was important (to me)... I can tell you that I am experiencing a state where I don't feel any compulsion or inclination to compare myself to whatever my friends/peers are doing at this age. Sure there are people out there who will judge me for not working a noteworthy career and for not pursuing money & material wealth - but that is only due to their own unquestioned conditioning and more limited state of awareness... It's their loss if they judge me over something so trivial and shallow.... How others judge you is not a reflection of your true self-worth.... I'm going to be starting a new job soon and I'll be making considerably less money than I had been at my old corporate job... But you know what? I'm going to be doing something that I actually care about and something that can contribute to the physical/mental health of others... I honestly don't care about anyone else's opinions or judgements about how much money I make, or what I am doing for a living... You have to be true to yourself and not true to the societal conditioning that does not bear good fruits in our society... I guess what I am trying to convey to you here is that if I can experience a state of being where I am free from the urge to compare myself to my peers and free from the compulsion to judge myself based on my career/income/social status - then you can bring yourself to experience such a state of being too! It's available to you and waiting for you to realize it...

You indicated that you are 'crippled' by your negative emotions and thoughts. There is the awareness that these negative emotions and thoughts are not serving your best interests - they are not contributing to your well-being. But they are so ingrained and you are so consciously-identified with them - that have become fused with your 'sense of self' and it's not clear how to break that identification and let them go so that you can free yourself from the burden they have caused you .... Right?

In the past, have you explored self-help type books much? Have you ever come across a text that really spoke to you on a deeper level and in turn ended up having a profound influence on your life? There is a book which had this impact on me and one which is directly relevant to the 'challenge' of overcoming being strongly identified with the physical mind and the debilitating thoughts it often fuels ... It's called The Power Of Now (Eckhart Tolle)... Have you heard of it, have you read it? Would you consider exploring a text based on a recommendation from a stranger?

Lastly (I almost forgot)... Do you want to know what I realized truly matters and what has lasting significance and real value? It's not your degrees, it's not your career or profession, it's not how much money you have in the bank or how many material possessions you acquire... It's the quality of your state of consciousness that holds all the value. That is the only thing we will be able to take with us when we inevitably end up leaving 'here'. By 'quality of your consciousness' I mean your ability and capacity to exemplify the various virtues (love, empathy, compassion, kindness, genorosity, selflessness, forgiveness, etc...) - to varying degrees. This is what has lasting significance and holds the true value... This is where our focus should be... I mean who really cares how many degrees or how much money a person has if that person does not exemplify a nature & character that is worthy of your appreciation and respect? Would you rather be surrounded by individuals who have attained a lot of 'worldly success' but are severely lacking in their ability to embody those important virtues - or would you rather be surounded by individuals who earn your appreciation and respect by the very qualities that they exemplify and which stem from their authentic nature & state of consciousness.? Think about it... You know the answer.... I'd rather spend my time around a compassionate/understanding/empathetic/kind homeless man than a successful business man who is significantly lacking in those qualities and is preoccupied and fixated on things like acquiring wealth & social status... Who would you rather be around when it comes to how others make you feel in their presence? I think you have to eventually arrive at the realization that you are placing a lot of emphasis & importance on elements of this life experience which are not truly important in the grand scheme of the Universe... Things which have no lasting & staying power beyond this limited & temporary human experience. The Universe (which you are an integral part of) does not care how many degrees you earn, the Universe doesn't care how much money you earn or whether or not you secured a 'prestigious' job... Try to read some articles about the most common 'wishes/regrets' of those who are terminally ill. No one says they wished they worked longer hours and that they wished they had earned more money and acquired more material possessions. The increased clarity and enhanced awareness that surfaces for many individuals as they are nearing/approaching physical 'death' is something that you shouldn't wait to experience - you can begin integrating and internalizing it right now while you are physically alive! This is one of the means by which you can and will liberate yourself. The more time and conscious energy you can spend in deep self-reflection and contemplation - the more you will pull yourself out of and go ABOVE (transcend) your current limiting mindset and ways of thinking/perceiving which have been burdening you...

"Let a man realize that his life, in its totality, proceeds from his mind, and that that mind is a combination of habits which he can, by patient effort, modify to any extent, and over which he can thus gain complete ascendancy and control, and he has at once obtained possession of the key which shall open the door to his complete emancipation. But emancipation from the ills of life (which are the ills of one’s mind) is a matter of steady growth from within, and not a sudden acquisition from without."

~ James Allen

With Respect,
~wolfgaze