wolfgaze has a valid point. When we are children we are designed to look to others for acceptance and support. We are designed to follow and believe what we are told. So, the voice of a parent or other strong presence can imprint in our brains along with the "tone" that comes from these individuals. So, if a parent or other strong presence talks to a child in a negative disapproving and condescending tone, a child can deeply imprint that and begin to "feel" that message of "you are not good enough or you are a failure and I am ashamed of you". In effect, a child develops that as an inner voice "critic" and can begin to say and feel, "I am a failure, I am weak, I should be ashamed and it's my fault".
In one of your other threads I shared how every time I tried to talk to my father he interrupted me and picked apart whatever I said. Even when I made an effort to say something correctly, did not matter, he still interrupted me and tried to get me to add in bigger words. In fact my father was a presence that criticized and corrected everyone including my mother who "hated" to cook because no matter what she made he ALWAYS found something about it or how dinner was served or the table was set to criticize her for.
Sadly, what is often encouraged in families is the father is supposed to be the "narcissist" and is never wrong and everyone in the family is supposed to "obey" and "please" him. He is the king and provider so that means he is the ruler or king of his home and is handed societal power to "rule" in his home and "criticize" and punish as he sees fit. In some societal cultures the man's power is "always" right and not to be questioned even if he is abusive.
The problem you are experiencing is "now" that you are in your father's presence again after being away from that environment for so long, you are actually hearing and feeling the affects of how your father treated you that hurt you and unfortunately, your father believes he was a good father and your problems are your fault and he is making it a point to tell you he is ashamed. You are also seeing how the rest of your family "obeys" him and "serves" him even as adults.
Now, a lot of people will tell you not to listen and accept the negative messages you got that began so long ago. Well, that is not so easy to "just" do. This site is most definitely a testament to that in how so many members are struggling and "self blaming".
It's also not unusual to read how so many are trying to find a way to get a parent or toxic family member to come clean and admit their wrongs and apologize. I think that is a deep desire to have something of that person present in the mind that can "fix" those negative messages so that person can finally feel "free" from them.
Social Anxiety or Phobia often results from how a person may have been sensitive and was somehow "hurt" or dis-empowered or shamed in that area of their development. For example, I raised a child that struggled with dyslexia and I had to learn about how she learns differently, that she is very smart, yet struggles with language specifically reading and how her brain processes information a certain way. I made it a priority to be there for her and help her and advocate for her right up into college. Yet, I could not control how her piers would "shame" her for having that challenge. I was fortunate that Yale made it a point to study and learn about this challenge and how to assist these children who, even though they were challenged this way they often had other abilities that the average person doesn't have these abilities. Since I learned about her challenge more study has been done and one thing that was observed is how because these individuals learn differently, they experience the same "shame" as a child that has been abused and molested.
Whenever I see a person being made fun of for their language skills that show some lacks, it bothers me because I know that is usually something that person can't help and they do the best they can despite that challenge. What has amazed me about many of these individuals however is that many of them develop other talents and become very successful CEO's and inventors and creators of things that contribute to mankind in significant ways. This usually takes place if there is some kind of "positive" nurturing or mentor presence that encourages these individuals despite their challenge. What has been recognized though is when that is not present these individuals can form gangs and get into trouble and there is a high percentage of these individuals that are in our jails.
Did you know that JK Rowlings who is the author of the Harry Potter stories is introverted and shy? She was not close to her father at all and she experienced some emotional abuse as well. She suffered from depression and the darkness that sweeps over someone that struggles with depression and that turned into dark characters in her stories. Her first marriage ended in her literally being thrown out on the street with her baby. She was very poor for a long time and she could not be around her father who was a negative presence in her life. There are characters that have some of that negative persona to them. There is a lot of "darkness" in her first book and throughout her series of books. She was in such a dark place and never imagined how so many people could relate.
You are in a dark place right now, but, a lot of people can relate to how "you" feel about it. Even when you talk about feeling "weak" and can self blame.
