Dear T,

Right... I saw my Ex today and I can't tell you about it until next week.

And I'm mad that I gave up my regular session times with you for a job that didn't pan out - and I called you within 24 hours to correct it back but you're telling me those times were already GONE? Like, how did you book a month's worth of sessions in less than a day?

So now I have to wait another week to see you again and hustle a lunchtime to do so. That's fantastic. And it's a Friday so no doubt you'll be telling me you need time off again and again.

And Seeing my Ex had triggered all my anger and self-loathing and I hate the world. There is no karma. There is no justice. There is no fate. There is no magic "Universe" out there to pray or wish to. Nothing is out there listening or waiting to take care of me or my needs or "tell" me anything. That is the most middle-class privileged crap and I'm tired of hearing it.

There are only people who **** over other and they're not losing out on anything. THEY do JUST fine. THEY are just getting on with their own damn lives. THEY are having friends and dinner parties and they don't feel a THING of struggle or pain.

If I have to hear the tired *** trope that "happiness is the best revenge" I will ****ing throw up. Everyone who ever hurt me is happier now more than ever and I'm HURTING and I'm ALONE and I feel BROKEN and soooo unlikable.

I can't fake it. I can't play nice. I HATE my life. I can't fix it. I can't fix me.