T,

LISTEN to me. I know I just have painful memories and perhaps they don't qualify as trauma memories. I don't believe they're trauma memories, and you've never told me if you believe they're trauma memories or not.

They're still painful memories I try hard to avoid.

And you want to trigger me in session, so we can process those memories WITH you, you say. But I only see you once a month, T.

And T, while you let me message you outside of sessions, you won't reply, T. That will not help me. There is no WITH you outside of session.

And T, one brief phone call at the two week mark between sessions if I need you, that's not enough support, T. I can't break down sobbing. Not when I have to wait at least half an hour to reach an operator on the hospital hotline, then ask them to transfer me to the psych clinic line, then beg the person to leave a message for you to call me back. Then you call me back later while I'm still working, and I have to stand in an echoing corridor where anyone upstairs or downstairs or in the corridor can hear my words. Because i can hear phone conversations from the corridor above or below.

It's not and I know it, T. T, you want to open these pain full boxes and leave me alone to cope. I see you only once a month, T. I'd have to clean up the mess myself, T.

I can't do this.

ETA: oh T, of course I know you don't care. You're enjoying your weekend lol, while I'm curled up in bed crying and messaging.