I am wasting my life because I am expecting people to be something for me to start living, but this of course is not going to happen. I know I need to forge my life because at the end no one cares if I lived or not, not even my parents. But I am lacking the courage and strength to stand for myself, and say in my mind "I didn't choose to come to this life, but since I've found myself here, I must live my life the best I can", instead of saying "I didn't choose to come to this life, and I wish I didn't come and exist because it is so miserable". For example, my father is a huge obstacle in my life, and I cannot do anything because of him, not even while I am 1000s of miles away. I have two options: either I stand up for myself and rebel and live my own way against his will, or I simply leave and cut him off completely because his voice will always haunt me if I keep contact with him. I don't have the courage to do either, because I feel guilty only from the thoughts. So, I keep myself locked down, and not moving an inch forward. I am so afraid of making decisions, because I am afraid they will be wrong, and thus I will be criticized and ridiculed.

This problem covers all my life's aspects. I don't face life with courage and strength as a warrior. I know this, and this makes me feel worse and diminishes my already very low self-esteem. How to find the courage in life to defend your life and rights to live by your own terms and have a place in this game called life? Anyone says something negative, even hinting something negative, I gradually withdraw, and crawl back to my shell and stay depressed for many days, maybe weeks. I know courage is something admirable, but I lack it, and maybe that's another reason why I am marginalized and not respected. When I talk I present the low self-esteem guy who has no confidence in what he is saying. It doesn't matter what I say, whether it is something like the weather or a scientific fact, no one takes me seriously and listens to me because I am weak.

I know I need to do some positive self-talk instead of this negativity, which eats what remains of my confidence in me, but ... I simply cannot but feel bad about myself and my life. Others have succeeded in defining me and my confidence.