I am sorry you have that challenge, sorry for you and sorry for your partner. It sounds like this woman has suffered from so much abuse that she could be suffering from complex PTSD or borderline personality disorder and while it's not her fault, she may never really be able to be "relaxed" and comfortable in a relationship without a lot of help in therapy. Therapy that you cannot give her and something she has to reach out for on her own. She has to heal and work through her past and if she doesn't do that she will be distant and hard for you to understand.