I just wanted to offer an introduction and I hope to have found a good source for mental shelter in this site.
I am not sure what exactly my one question is as I have a series of a few. I have recently ended an affair with a co-worker that lasted many months. During the affair, I tried many times to end the relationship and I told the person I was not going to leave my husband. Every time I attempted to end the relationship he became aggressive and said he would tell my husband and he would make sure he would want nothing to do with me. Throughout the affair, he would drive passed my house, places where I was with my children, show up unannounced at my office or common places of the work facility. I felt trapped and to buy time to find a way out I continued the affair and purposely gave the impression that I cared for him but just could not be with him. During the affair, I was caught in a nightmare of a marital life.
I have been married twelve years and there have been so many conflicts that only developed as time passed. My husband began physically abusing me as soon as we were married. I did not realize then that the emotional and financial abuse was also present. Over the next few years, I would learn of various online infidelities, an ongoing long distance relationship with a high school sweetheart, and a seven-month physical affair that resulted in the birth of a child on Christmas Day. In between the cheating, he isolated me from every friend and family member I had. We moved back and forth from Texas to Florida, constantly running from our financial problems. I had many jobs but he would sabotage them or force me to quit within a year of employment. He did not work after the military for four years and insisted he did not need to because he did not feel obligated to work for low wages. While he was home, I paid for all three kids to attend daycare or before/after school care. He said he didn’t have the patience to watch the kids. I have been full hands on mom/wife/employee. I cooked, cleaned, and met my family’s every need. I would go days with only four hours of sleep because it was unacceptable to leave the house unclean. I am expected to run random errands for whatever my husband has the impulse for. Even 2 AM runs to Walmart, McDonalds or the corner store. Pregnant, sick, tired… no reason is ever good enough. When his mother died, he was left 50K dollars and any money given to me was on loan and I was obligated to repay it by the next payday. He spent every dollar on material purchases that only benefited his desires and had no influence on the betterment of our family.
In 2012, my family asked me to choose. It was either continue my downward spiral as his wife or lose them for good. I chose him and grieved over them.
By 2014, I had run my credit to the ground from payday loans, delinquent utilities and overdraft fees. I cannot even get a bank account in my name. He had a plan that we would move to Maryland and get good jobs to strengthen our credit and use our combined VA loans to purchase our first home. It sounded like a great plan and I thought my time had finally come to reap the benefits of staying strong through all the adversity. I expressed to him my goal of finishing my undergraduate degree and he was very supportive.
As soon as we arrived, I realized all was not well. He refused to work and I was forced to take a job that required a 2-hour round trip commute. Our son had just turned one and he once again refused to watch him while I worked. I paid for my son to attend a home daycare near my work so he commuted with me. When the older kids were sent home early I was made to leave work to tend to them. Ultimately, I lost my job. My husband landed a government job and all seemed to be well until he used his position of working as a method of belittling me. He would make comments about me being unable to hold a job or that I was worthless. I took a temp job and he would ridicule me. Eventually, I also landed a government job with his employer. He was upset because he did not want me working near him. I had a feeling he was having an affair but did not ask.
Life was crazy. He reenrolled in an online learning school and I was forced to take his classes. When asked about my education he responds that I will have my turn when his school is finished. I was still the full-time mom, full time wife and full time employee on top of a full-time long distance learner. If the floor wasn’t mopped or if I did not engage in sex with him, he would prevent me from getting to work. I had no car, the cell phone was his but I was forbidden from taking phone calls or calling anyone without his acknowledgment and he frequently took it away from me as punishment. My paycheck went to his bank and only after he took his ‘cut’ was I allowed the left overs. There was nothing left over—after paying daycare. He was awarded disability from the VA and decided since he earned double my income that he no longer needed to work. He told everyone he medically retired (not true) and stayed home. Continued to take my portion of the income and ridicule me about it not being enough. We both invested in starting up a home business and I was responsible for all administrative tasks. During this time, I met the coworker I had the affair with. He is 17 years my senior and I have no idea what I was thinking. I am not attracted to him physically or emotionally but something led me to the affair.
My husband paid all his debt and cleaned his credit. He purchased a home without me (even though I did all the administrative portions of acquiring the home) and refused to name me on the deed. The business started taking off and we gained international attention and sponsors. My husband applied for a business license and left me off everything. Before moving in I was reminded multiple times a day that he did not want me to go to his house. He said he didn’t want to be with me and I had nothing to offer him. He also said I would be gone at any time if I did not keep straight. So, I moved in. The first night in his house led to an argument with me wanting to go to bed at 3 AM even though my tasks were not complete. The next morning, he was very aggressive. He yelled at me to get out his house and called me a B**** in front of our daughter. He said if I didn’t like it I could leave. At that moment, my daughter looked at me as if she was wondering how I would respond. This was not new behavior to her. He verbally assaulted me daily in their presence. I decided to quietly load a car I was borrowing from his aunt to move and I left. We were separated for 10 days and during that time I had intercourse with my affair partner. Afterwards I expressed to him my guilt and that it would not happen again. I told him I love my husband regardless of what we have been through and ultimately, I wanted my family together. He said he would give me space and let me process everything. I began to feel a sense of independence while I was away living with my husband’s aunt. It hurt so bad to be away from my kids but I found solitude in knowing they were not exposed to our toxic relationship. My husband convinced me that he had learned his ways. He said he wanted to be everything he never was a really wanted me home.
When I told my affair partner I was going home he did what was typical. He threatened to tell my husband. This time I didn’t care. After I begged and pleaded with him to just go his own way, I gave up. He contacted my husband. I was asked to quit my job if I wanted to salvage our relationship. I had to request a protective order against my affair partner and at court he and his lawyer presented intimate details of our affair (that I was not denying). The protective order was granted and he appealed and then it was granted a final time.
The stipulations of me living in my husband’s house and working towards forgiveness are to: thoroughly clean each day, cook full course meals every day and have it ready by 4:30 PM, perform oral sex twice a day (without fail), do not speak to any male (not even a deli clerk), gain 30 pounds of weight, do anything/everything he wants without talking back or looking unhappy. He says I took his manhood when I broke his heart and I need to give him his power, so for that I must give him complete dominance. I don’t have a problem meeting his needs but it is soooo hard not giving up. He tells me every day that I am a *****. He questions me relentlessly about every detail of the affair throughout the day and daily. After I answer honestly, he accuses me of lying and verbally insults me. Then later he throws my honest answers in my face and uses them against me. He tells me repeatedly, if I don’t like anything he wants/needs I can get out his house. He calls me names still in front of the kids and talks to me like I am a child. We go to marriage counseling weekly but I am not allowed to disclose the details of our arrangement. I have asked to go to individual counseling but he won’t let me. I have nowhere to turn for help sorting this mess out. I have no car, phone, friends, family of my own here and my time on the computer is monitored. The only reason I can write this message is because I am supposed to be working on my final applied project and although he is sitting next to me, I am typing in a work document so he is not caring to read what I am writing.
I have no idea what to do or where to go from here? I can’t leave my kids and I have nothing to provide for them should we all leave. Add to it, their relationship is great. They love their father and he spoils them with love and affection.
Why am I trying so hard to convince someone that I am not a bad person even when that person has done nothing but bad to me? How do I make the anxiety go away? How do I cope with the forced submission?
If anyone out there has any advice to offer, I would greatly appreciate it.
Thanks, in advance
- ICE