RxQueen--
I really hope you can beat this. I don't think I was an alcoholic but was headed down that road. One of my grandmother's was a true alcoholic (slurred her words by NLT early afternoon daily)--I think everyone can become one but genetics can make us more vulnerable.
I am never drinking again. What happened? First, I truly humbled myself by an attempt that was shocking. It made me become more self reflective. I began to realize and accept that emotional pain and sadness is a part of life. I don't run away from it anymore. I ask for help accepting my life and what I am through prayer so sometimes I do lean on God when I am really down. Not everyday is perfect. I try to have things in my life that I look forward to--good coffee, walks in the sunshine everyday, sex with my H, etc. When your bf is at work and nothing joyful is available for you to do--perhaps plan for something to look forward to the next day or week? We cannot be happy every minute but we can take steps (make plans) to make happy moments happen.
Lastly, many things in this article applied to my drinking. I don't know if some of these messages in our culture about alcohol have effected you as well but there are additions reasons for not drinking stated in the article. Check it out:

https://bewitchingkitchen.com/2016/1...cy-of-alcohol/

It is never to late to stop. We probably both had times during our lives where we enjoyed drinking but we are at the point where alcohol is no longer enhancing our lives. Keep trying to stop. When you mess up, be kind and accepting to yourself and just pick yourself up and try again.....