OMG, that is exactly how I feel, only my happy happy self was before i was married for the first time...i lost myself the first time i allowed him to hit me(when i was 8 months preggers with first son at 18 yrs old) and stayed with him...i dont think i will ever be able to go back to being that happy carefree person with the years i subjected myself to that and the depression that has settled on my soul like the blight that takes out whole crops.

Many ppl have told me, 'you can't go back, you have learned, grown and can be happy, you just got to do it, be a new person'...ummmmm, i dont have the instruction book to reprogram myself...every once in a while the sky clears and the sun bursts thru and i see happiness. i live for those moments. i live for the smell of a plant, my hands in dirt, sweeping the living room and picking it up and satisfied that i accomplished something. I have support from my hubby who calls me gorgeous and beautiful and even when i argue that i am not, it tickles the blackest darkest part of me and allows me a moment of insight.

I am so sorry depression has befallen you...please, i dont know what i am trying to say...just hang in there and take a moment each day to say something reaffirming, loving towards your self and i hope you find what you want yourself to be.

melanie