I can definitely relate. You're not alone. I've tried so many different medications, doctors, and therapists that I have lost count. I do have a strong support team now. I've lived with suicidal ideation more days then not over the past several years. That is different then being actively suicidal. I've learned to mostly 'surf' those thoughts although I do occasionally reach out for help. My SI has gotten neither worse nor better over the years. Hugs coming your way. Hold on and keep fighting. It will get better.