Hi

My ex is an admitted avoidant, and since knowing her I've become aware that her actions and words are often very different, and even sometimes opposite, to how others may act. As a result, it's sometimes hard to know how to communicate in a way that shows I respect her choices and decisions, but at the same time care about her and am not abandoning her. For example, if she says she wants to leave me, and I say ok, I don't want that, but I respect it, she takes it as rejection, and that I don't care. On the one hand she withdraws from too much intimacy and emotional communication, but on the other, whilst she sometimes appreciates it, she also takes my less emotional, and less needy nature, as a sign that I'm not that bothered, even though I tell her otherwise.

So, I'm looking for a little help and guidance from those who can relate to how she feels, as to how or even whether I should reach out to her or not.

Firstly, whilst she was the one who wanted a relationship rather than something casual, she admits to avoidance and abandonment issues, and a tendency to run, but said she wanted to try not to. She hates anything overly gushy, emotional and romantic, even though she'd push me to admit my feelings, and has admitted she'd run a mile from the word "love". She also has seemingly random mood swings, but I've never seen her get really angry, although she has given the odd sign but then seems to stop herself. She appears to internalise it and withdraw, and then calms down and apologises quite quickly.

We broke up after an argument where I uncharacteristically reacted to one of her moods and shouted. As a result she said she'd move out, and I did little to stop her. Not that I didn't care, I just knew she wouldn't listen while angry. In hindsight I think she may have stayed had I tried harder to persuade her, as a few days after moving out she called, and one of the things she said was that I didn't fight for her.

However, since breaking up we kept in contact and enjoyed several weeks of getting on really well, and even talk of getting back together. She even called and cried, and said how much she missed me, and couldn't concentrate on her work and studies but, when I suggested reconciliation, she was uncertain. Her main reason was that she said she really loved being with me, but that the periods in between, when we were apart, we're literally so unbearably painful for her, that she didn't think she could face it, although she was open to trying to find a way to manage it.

Anyway, things seemed to be going well, and she enjoyed hanging out. If anything she complained that I was a little guarded, but always pulled back a bit if I tried to move things forwards. The last time we met was also friendly. She said she was still confused, and so I said that was ok, and that if she didn't want to get back together I'd understand, wouldn't pressure her, and could handle rejection, at which she snapped a little and said she wasn't rejecting me, and was just confused and needed time. We left on good terms, and even made plans for further "dates".

However, since then things changed dramatically. Communication became more sparse and functional, rather than friendly. During all this time I have never chased her, which on occasion she seemed a little frustrated by. After a couple of weeks of this withdrawal I thought I'd pre-empt a complete deterioration, and called to say that I knew she was under pressure with work and studies, and so perhaps I should give her a bit of space and not add to her stress. I thought she might welcome that, but she seemed to be a bit agitated and angry about it, and hung up on me.

I left it a couple of weeks before sending a text asking how she was, and another a week later, telling her about something I saw that she likes, but these were ignored. I half expected her to reply telling me to stop contacting, as she has no trouble being outspoken when she's angry, but have heard nothing.

Ordinarily I'd leave things, as I'd assume that when someone ignores you, contacting them would be annoying, but I have no idea how someone with avoidant emotions, and abandonment fears may feel about it.

So, on the one hand I don't want her to think I've given up on her, but equally I don't want to make her resentful by maintaining contact when she just ignores it. Is silence a sign to get lost, or leaving the door open to push me and see if I'll be persistent?

With anyone else I'd leave it to her to make contact if she wants. However, I know from experience that she gets nervous and scared about reaching out, as no matter how much I tell her otherwise, she always assumes that I don't think about her, and have moved on after a few days of not speaking. She also takes the fact that I don't chase her as a sign that I don't care, even though I've told her it's just the way I am.

I guess then I'm asking for any help or guidance as to what, if anything, I should do. Should I take her lack of any response as a silent request to leave her be, or as a slightly open door to maintain contact while she regains some balance. It feels like a catch 22, as I don't want to upset her, but nor do I want her to think I've given up on her, as she's always been really nice, and thoughtful to me, even when things were difficult for her and she had her mood swings.