It eats away at me all of the ****ing time, anymore. I feel like I'm barely hanging on by a thread (sort of pun intended, I gotta lighten up this post somehow).

Everything that happened when I was a kid... maybe they were right. Maybe I am just no good and a terrible person. Why else would those things have happened?

I deserve punishment. I deserve every damn bit of it.

(Trigger):

I can't punish myself and let myself bleed until after my oncology appointment tomorrow, at least. And if I don't punish myself, 'they' will instead and I know I deserve it, but I'd rather have physical punishment than the psychological torment.

Why did I leave that place? Maybe I should go back. It's what I deserve....

****! Just let these memories and thoughts stop... I need it to stop...