Hello Robnew: I'm sorry I cannot offer anything substantive with regard to your concerns. However, I noticed this is your first post here on PC. So... to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! May the time you spend here be of benefit.

The only comment I guess I would offer here is, you opened your post by writing that your ex is an "admitted avoidant". I don't know if that means she's been seen or is being seen by mental health professionals & has been given that diagnosis, or if that is simply her take on how she feels she interacts with the world, so to speak. (I'm presuming this is not a label you came up with for her.) My personal prejudice is that we're always on shaky ground when we try to self-diagnose. Even mental health professionals often don't get it right. And, even when they do, mental health diagnoses can-&-do change over time. It's not like having physical illness where you either have it or you don't. Even the professionals can-&-do often disagree with regard to a person's correct diagnosis.

That said, my particular perspective with regard to what you wrote is that trying to continually second guess what your ex does or does not want from you, or how she is or is not likely to react to however it is you decide to try to handle a given situation, is a prescription for ongoing frustration & unhappiness. From the sound of it, your ex does have some mental health issues she's struggling with, whatever it is they may be as far as a diagnosis goes. She is the only person who can remedy that situation. She has to recognize that she has a problem & then figure out what she has to do to heal (perhaps with the help of mental health professionals.) Your trying to constantly be constantly modifying your approach in the hopes of not "pushing her buttons" is I fear doomed to failure. It feels to you like a "catch 22" because that's what it is.

So I don't know whether you should leave her be, at this point, or try to maintain contact. It may well be that whichever way you choose to play it, it will end up being wrong somehow. However assuming that you still want to try my thinking, for what it's worth, would be just keep in touch periodically. Don't simply leave her be. But don't press her either. Just send occasional notes, as it sounds like you've been doing just to let her know you're still there & still interested. At some point, she'll either respond, she'll tell you to get lost, or you'll just tire of the game & decide to move on yourself. I wish you well...