Chloe, I came back to this forum today with one object --- to post about how some people aren't ready for a relationship when they don't have their own act together. For them it is humiliating to be in that condition. In THIS particular case, there is the extreme of a military man having no means to support himself, being reduced to living with his parents. If I were this person, no way could I have a relationship with someone (especially not a very together person who can handle both full-time work and graduate studies) until I took a vacation from the relationship and took care of my own business. At the present, the power dynamic between parents and son is inappropriate. So is the power dynamic of the relationship Niccpa is trying to have with her fiance. At least roughly, there has to be something like a peer relationship for it to work. And there's no way to know how long it may take him to work his way back to feeling confident.

Niccpa, I don't know how to say this exactly. In my humble opinion, a grown man, no matter what his problems, doesn't need advice unless he asks for it. You are clearly a strong person. And Nature abhors a vacuum. That is, when your fiancee is not strongly on his own path, your own strength starts to fill that vacuum. And that becomes an imbalance. So what I was trying to say is that a balance of power is always necessary in a relationship.

So, even if there were a balance of power, there is the matter of not invading another person's SPACE. Think of an imaginary line between you. If you go beyond that line, either mentally or physically, you are in his territory --- and one just doesn't do that without permission. People who are DOWN are very vulnerable. Your fiance doesn't even have a place where he can be alone and do exactly as he pleases. I feel that such a person needs to be given a great deal of respect and space, especially in the area of NOT having somebody trying to "fix" him. I understand your hurt feelings, and I realize you love him. I feel that respect is the form of love that he might need most, right now.

Niccpa, these are only my opinions. I have been very down myself in the past, however, and that is how I felt.

Chloe, you did a wonderful job of expressing the heart of what I wanted to say. Thank you.