I thought I was coping well with losing my job but depression hit yesterday big time. I think I may have had a dream that upset me because as soon as I woke up I felt horrible. I don't remember my dreams from Saturday night though. But anyway yesterday was hard. I stayed in bed until 9:30 when my son complained he was hungry and needed breakfast. Usually on the weekend I'm up at 8:30 at the latest. Then we went grocery shopping but I went to the expensive but less crowded store bc I couldn't deal with the crowds. I shouldn't have spent the extra money but I just couldn't handle the thought of all those people. When we came home I put the cold stuff away and then fell asleep on the couch for three hours. Didn't get to make dinner like I planned. My son got hungry and ate some chef Boyardee and didn't want to wait for the hour the meatloaf would have taken. So I ordered pizza. I literally ate out for almost every meal last week. I must have spent $200. But I just couldn't bring myself to make anything.

I struggled through work today. I am so embarrassed to be there. And it's so upsetting knowing I ****ed up so badly and I won't be there next year because of it.i wish I could blame it on bipolar but the real ***** of it is I was stable the whole year except for maybe a couple of days. And did I get observed on one of my depressed days? Yes, yes I did. Figures, right? I just feel so awful. I don't know how I could have done better. I just think I'm ****ed, no one else will give me a chance now. And even if they did I would just **** it up. I'm applying to other districts but certainly not holding out any hope. The one district I applied to had over 400 applicants for maybe 15 positions. That's not Happening.

I'm having such a hard time coming to terms with the fact that I may very well not have a job next year. I can get unemployment for awhile so I won't be totally ****ed but still.

And my brother and sister in law bought a house today. And here I am, 30 years old, jobless, single mom, living with my mom indefinitely. I feel like SUCH a loser. This isn't how my life was supposed to go. My husband and I surely wouldn't have had a house by now but we were out on our own again, at least we had that. But now I'm alone and living with my mom and now I have no job so I can't even consider moving out, not like I could before even with my job.

I was considering trying to get back into the dating scene but I have nothing to offer now. No job, no home of my own, I'm bipolar, and now I'm fat from my meds. I got nothing.

This has been a huge pity party for myself and I WILL pull myself up somehow but right now I just feel like the biggest loser in the world. And I can't even point to bipolar as the culprit.