I don't get one thing about me.
I am the most caring and in need of social conections when I feel sad. At those times I greatly apreciate hugs and I feel some need to talk to someone about it, even I don't know very much what to say.
When I feel lonely I think I want to have friends and people by my side, but when I am actually around them I can't get connected to them nor do I feel that much interest to connect. At least I still apreciate hughs (mostly from my father).

I have so many doubts if I am a social oriented person or if my true self is someone who doesn't care about people. Thinking that I am someone who doesn't care makes me sad and angry towards myself, but what happens in reality is that I really don't care.

I want so very much to understand why and to know if there's something I can do. I have been like this since I can remember, so how can I said this is not a personality disorder? It's so impossible to distinguish personality disorders from some other mental ilnesses in my case. Maybe it could all be explained by some environmental, social theory, but psichiatry nowadays seems so dismissing towards personal experiences and more oriented to biological factors of stuff. I don't want to give names to how I feel because names carried great concepts with them - if it is a personality disorder I must be like this and that and I can't change; I feel like I will be seen more responsible for my disorder and ok with it and like something that can't be changed. If is a disorder like anxiety and depression than I am more like a victim and how I behave isn't who I am.

I just wish someone saw me as an all and saw through me. The way modern psichiatry is built not many people will do that... I need someone that really wants to invest on me, but health is such a bussiness...