I am so sorry you are dealing with this and feeling this way. I too know the feelings of defeat quite well. you have worked hard on your stability and you seem very bright and caring. I really think things will somehow fall into place for you. 
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I used to rule the world
Seas would rise when I gave the word
Now in the morning, I sleep alone
Sweep the streets I used to own
I used to roll the dice
Feel the fear in my enemy's eyes
Listen as the crowd would sing
Now the old king is dead! Long live the king!
One minute I held the key
Next the walls were closed on me
And I discovered that my castles stand
Upon pillars of salt and pillars of sand
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