I didn't realize how much my brother buying the house was affecting me. I started crying while talking to my mom about it. It's just that it was supposed to be ME buying a house. I'm the older sister. I should have had a damn house before him. But no, my husband has to kill himself with drugs. I should have had a great long life with my husband and it was ripped away from me. I'm really sad about that.

I've been toying with doing online dating (it's the only way my reclusive *** would meet someone) but aside from feeling like I've got nothing to offer, I'm not sure I could ever open myself up to that again. I know now that everything can be taken away in an instant. I never expected my husband to die. I thought since my father had died I was safe from further tragedy. Like the universe or god just wouldn't let that happen. How ****ing stupid I was. I know now there is no god, no universal force. And anyone could die at any moment. I already live in fear and acceptance that my son will die before me (I believe he will die in his early twenties, don't ask me why, I don't know). I don't know if I could open myself up to love again, knowing that it could go so tragically wrong. And it's not just death. A guy could cheat, he could turn abusive, he could simply tire of my bipolar ways and leave me.

I just feel hopeless right now.

But I am starting my master's program tomorrow...I have a job for the summer...and of course I have my son (for now). So all hope is not lost. I know things will work out. I just wish I had faith in something. That would make it easier. But I can't fake what's not there.

Thanks for listening everyone.