I have a new T since July, since I fired my old one after 2 1/2 yrs. of working with him. I was talking about my feelings for my old T, mostly good stuff with my new T. Then my new T wanted to EMDR after that for my feelings for my T. I asked him why, because the feelings I have are good ones, I asked him if I was talking about something wrong. He said no, but If I continued talking for the rest of the hour about it, it would be wrong. He wanted to keep our conversations therapy related. I was shocked he said that. Tears just rolled down my face. I thought I finally had a T I could be completely open with and discuss anything I needed.
He asked what was wrong and I asked why is talking about my old T wrong? I am working through the sudden termaination and sometimes I needed to talk about stuff, especially since I have seen him out and about in public again. I told him now I feel like I have to be guarded in what I talked about with him. I told him I thought it was theraputice to talk about my relationship with my old T, since things are still raw from that. I told him that termination was one of my issues I wrote on my enterance papers on why I wanted to do thereapy.

Well he looked again, and he said he felt like such an *ss and wanted to take his comment back if he could. He said he forgot since I do have much bigger issues like child abuse. He really said he was sorry he said that. I said it was okay, he is only human, and we both laughed. He said he learned something today, and he needed to be humbled. lol But one thing he has always been so honest with me, and when he misses the boat, he owns up to it. Well that makes me feel even more close to him.

Well okay there was a lot of painful lessons I learned today. FIrst of all I used to hold in my feelings if my old T upset me, then I would get really angry and let him have it on his message machine later that day. Today, I told my T how upset I was, in the moment, face to face, well I had tears running down my face, and we worked it out in the hear and now. I accepted his explaination and realize he made a mistake, and that is okay. But then I also realize how fragile my trust is, and how vunerable I am with him. When I felt like had to hide my feelings and not talk about them about my old T, I felt so sad, like I was doing something wrong by talking about my feelings, that took so much courage in disclosing to him. It kinda scared me to trust him because I am used to being hurt when I do that. But I feel safe with him, I can cry in front of him and it is okay. I just wish I wasn't so sensitive. I have to go through the trenches again dealing with my past child abuse, so I needs someone like him to help me. My old T hurt me, and I am afraid he will too, so it is so hard to give him my trust. He said my trust and openess was a gift to him and it will allow me to do the work with him. he knows I am scared. Therapy is hard.