Quote:
Originally Posted by elevatedsoul
i don't think i have much elasticity left... to be pulled back and forth any more, stretched and popped any further... im exhausted... used up... done...
up and down... over and over... i dont think i can have d.i.d... i dont know what i have... i just am tired... i just want it to go away... i just want to end it all... i dont want to live like this... i cant live with myself like this... i just want to be normal and have friends... to have a life... a regular life...
i cant take it anymore... i just feel like im broken... i dont know how i can be so confused about whats happening inside of me... i feel so stupid...
like you are really really stupid not to be able to understand whats happening inside of you omg! im trying so hard!
im trying too hard... i miss my friend... she hates me because of my problems...
i hate myself... why cant i be normal... i dont want to have any problems... i hate this... i hate my life...  |
These same words have gone through my mind several times in the past....and things didn't get better until they dosed me with anti-depressants. Are you taking any?
You know...why me? Why us? Then there is why not me? Somebody had to be this way....liking it or not (NOT!).
Resentments are a killer...it can get us drunk (and I think that we have a damnn pretty good excuse, too). I resent life, myself, God, society, family, ex-friends,....
But finally accepting that this is the way our **** is.....I can move on to some kind of healing....or I will be dead.
It took us a year or so since the Awakening to have some kind of system wide acceptance and freedom from self slavery. Our greatest goal is to find peace with all this...to have internal serenity... other than using drugs and alcohol. It's not easy...but it's worth fighting for. Granted Others are not at the same level that I is, but it can be and has been worse....we are figuring it out. Of course we are much older than you and are totally like tired of living this way...so with age comes wisdom of which I say to you, but a single life is on it's own journey.
Hang in there.....it sounds that you need some mental/emotional stability. Why aren't you medicated...or are you?
Anyways....I hope that you find more peace than that you have right now.